Zac Efron contemplates HEAD SHAVE MAY end the WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

“I can’t handle the paparazzi. They’re everywhere.” And later, while talking about traveling the world, Zac Efron added, “Maybe I’d shave my head to try and go incognito? Yeah, that’s what I’d do.”

And I was bothered by this curse, misfortune, evil eye, spell, whammy and bugaboo Zac Efron must endure on a daily basis. Why lord, WHY? So bothered, in fact, I went into a New York City diner and put down a whole plate of Mac N’ Cheese in forty-seven seconds.

But then my lactose intolerance subsided. And I saw my hideous shut of a face in the reflection of my empty plate. And then I thought, DUDE?

Zac Efron – are we supposed to feel sympathy for you? Millions of girls grovel for you daily. Money is not an issue. And in this economic crisis – that is what you’re thinking about? About shaving your head?

But if you do shave your head – you know what you’ll look like?

Insert courtesy drum roll…

You’ll look like ZAC EFRON with a shaved head. If you really want to avoid the paparazzi – I suggest you have drastic plastic surgery and remodel your face to look like mine. (Note to Zac: I haven’t had a date in five months.)

And I say ‘Dude’ again! (Insert ANGER in my DUDE.)

Any girlfriend, wife, friend with benefit, penpal, inmate correspondence, teacher or third cousin (not by blood) I ever have would cheat on me with you.

But, Zac is human, and I will sympathize with him. As I left the diner, a homeless man asked me for some change. Empty pockets and all, I offered this homeless man some advice – you know, keeping it real, homey.

I said, “Hey homeless dude. It could always be worse. You could be Zac Efron!”

He smiled at me, and we had our moment. And then he spit on my shoe.