That was a quote by the most famous, alluringly radiant and pulchritudinous scientist I know - Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown, who by the way – invented the TIME MACHINE! But in actuality, where my friends (Iceman, Nitro and Bob) and I did go – we surely did need roads. You may wonder what in the name of the mythological Minotaur am I talking about?
And no – I’m not talking about how I once traveled from Manhattan to Brooklyn to witness a friend actually knock out Mike Tyson – first round, UPPER CUT, JAB, UPPER CUT, in Tyson’s Punch Out (greatest game ever!) Or beat Contra without using the cheating code. Contra’s a war zone, friends.
But I digress.
I’m only talking about the most exciting road trip (courtesy of Greyhound) in the history of historical histories.
I’m talking about a road trip to the STATE OF THE UNION. Curtail the excitement please. My fingers are shaking as I type this…
Suddenly, I’m hyperventilating in a brown paper bag.
First – before entering the bus – we had to go through our checklist for this trip.
1.) Condoms – CHECK
2.) Alcohol – CHECK
3.) SHROOMS – DOUBLE CHECK
4.) Head Shot of Nancy Pelosi - CHECKMATE
These are necessities for a State of the Union – for tailgating, of course.
Secondly, we had to get our posters ready for some celebrity signatures. Forget Tom Cruise, Zac Efron, Brad Pitt, the dude from Slumdog Millionaire or any ‘Hollywood’ folk. I’m talking about getting me some Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, House Majority Leader Steny H. Hoyer and if we’re lucky – I mean LOTTO lucky – getting Freshman Rep. Jared Polis – a new hottie Democrat from Colorado.
Most of you would question – why not get Obama’s autograph? And I’ll answer – he’s old news now. FIVE WEEKS – PUH-LEASE. Give me a little Rep. Earl Blumenauer from Oregon and that’ll be the cherry on top of my State of the Union Sundae.
By the time we arrived at our destination, the shrooms were kicking in, hallucinations of Nancy Pelosi speaking to me in Yiddish were apparent and the alcohol had reached the point of poisoning. We stepped off the bus, condom wrappers open and placed on point (just in case opportunity presented itself) and the party was just about to begin.
We put our lawn chairs down, cracked open a cold beer and waited for the hoards of people to start arriving.
After fifteen minutes, and a tumbleweed blowing through the dirt field, we started freaking out – like ‘Requiem for a Dream’ freaking out. We asked a local man when the tailgating would start for the State of the Union.
He didn’t know what were we talking about. So, I grabbed his stained collar, kicked him in the pelvis, got up in his face and spit out words of disgust.
And then a voice, maybe God, maybe the narrator from ‘Field of Dreams’ or possibly James Earl Jones, came from above and told us something interesting.
“You are in Centralia, Pennsylvania.”
Confused, we didn’t know what to do. Stuck, lost and scared – we did the only thing three dudes on shrooms, with condoms on and alcohol poisoning would do…
We hopped on the saddle of a Minotaur and rode back into the sunset - bound for Manhattan.
*This was for entertainment purposes only. A Minotaur does not really exist. Drugs are illegal and wrong. And, although a possibility, I do not think anyone would tailgate for the State of the Union.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Ten Things to do WHILST watching the Oscars
The 81st Annual Academy Awards have come and gone…and since the ceremony seemed to move like a slow and agonizing death – akin to a death by way of falling down a mountain top hitting each jagged edge, cliff by cliff, until you hit the bottom four hours later – I decided to come up with ten things comparable to watching the 2009 Oscars.
1.) Find a bunch of rocks and start a collection.
2.) Name each rock in that collection, i.e. Pedro, Susan, Little Pedro, Big Susan, etc.
3.) Make your bed sixteen different ways. Take a picture of each said way. Post it on Facebook. Update your status.
4.) Planning your funeral.
5.) Trying to pet a pregnant raccoon.
6.) Hanging out with Dawson Leery (Douchebag from Dawson’s Creek.)
7.) Witnessing the birth of a Minotaur.
8.) Playing ‘The Legend of Zelda’ alone, in the mountains – where shit gets freaky.
9.) Hanging out with Joaquin Phoenix and Dawson Leery on a loveseat, in a studio apartment, on the 8th floor, with no elevator, stairs or exits – for eternity.
10.) Having a conjugal visit with a serial killer.
1.) Find a bunch of rocks and start a collection.
2.) Name each rock in that collection, i.e. Pedro, Susan, Little Pedro, Big Susan, etc.
3.) Make your bed sixteen different ways. Take a picture of each said way. Post it on Facebook. Update your status.
4.) Planning your funeral.
5.) Trying to pet a pregnant raccoon.
6.) Hanging out with Dawson Leery (Douchebag from Dawson’s Creek.)
7.) Witnessing the birth of a Minotaur.
8.) Playing ‘The Legend of Zelda’ alone, in the mountains – where shit gets freaky.
9.) Hanging out with Joaquin Phoenix and Dawson Leery on a loveseat, in a studio apartment, on the 8th floor, with no elevator, stairs or exits – for eternity.
10.) Having a conjugal visit with a serial killer.
Zac Efron contemplates HEAD SHAVE MAY end the WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
“I can’t handle the paparazzi. They’re everywhere.” And later, while talking about traveling the world, Zac Efron added, “Maybe I’d shave my head to try and go incognito? Yeah, that’s what I’d do.”
And I was bothered by this curse, misfortune, evil eye, spell, whammy and bugaboo Zac Efron must endure on a daily basis. Why lord, WHY? So bothered, in fact, I went into a New York City diner and put down a whole plate of Mac N’ Cheese in forty-seven seconds.
But then my lactose intolerance subsided. And I saw my hideous shut of a face in the reflection of my empty plate. And then I thought, DUDE?
Zac Efron – are we supposed to feel sympathy for you? Millions of girls grovel for you daily. Money is not an issue. And in this economic crisis – that is what you’re thinking about? About shaving your head?
But if you do shave your head – you know what you’ll look like?
Insert courtesy drum roll…
You’ll look like ZAC EFRON with a shaved head. If you really want to avoid the paparazzi – I suggest you have drastic plastic surgery and remodel your face to look like mine. (Note to Zac: I haven’t had a date in five months.)
And I say ‘Dude’ again! (Insert ANGER in my DUDE.)
Any girlfriend, wife, friend with benefit, penpal, inmate correspondence, teacher or third cousin (not by blood) I ever have would cheat on me with you.
But, Zac is human, and I will sympathize with him. As I left the diner, a homeless man asked me for some change. Empty pockets and all, I offered this homeless man some advice – you know, keeping it real, homey.
I said, “Hey homeless dude. It could always be worse. You could be Zac Efron!”
He smiled at me, and we had our moment. And then he spit on my shoe.
And I was bothered by this curse, misfortune, evil eye, spell, whammy and bugaboo Zac Efron must endure on a daily basis. Why lord, WHY? So bothered, in fact, I went into a New York City diner and put down a whole plate of Mac N’ Cheese in forty-seven seconds.
But then my lactose intolerance subsided. And I saw my hideous shut of a face in the reflection of my empty plate. And then I thought, DUDE?
Zac Efron – are we supposed to feel sympathy for you? Millions of girls grovel for you daily. Money is not an issue. And in this economic crisis – that is what you’re thinking about? About shaving your head?
But if you do shave your head – you know what you’ll look like?
Insert courtesy drum roll…
You’ll look like ZAC EFRON with a shaved head. If you really want to avoid the paparazzi – I suggest you have drastic plastic surgery and remodel your face to look like mine. (Note to Zac: I haven’t had a date in five months.)
And I say ‘Dude’ again! (Insert ANGER in my DUDE.)
Any girlfriend, wife, friend with benefit, penpal, inmate correspondence, teacher or third cousin (not by blood) I ever have would cheat on me with you.
But, Zac is human, and I will sympathize with him. As I left the diner, a homeless man asked me for some change. Empty pockets and all, I offered this homeless man some advice – you know, keeping it real, homey.
I said, “Hey homeless dude. It could always be worse. You could be Zac Efron!”
He smiled at me, and we had our moment. And then he spit on my shoe.
National Lampoon
I've become a blogger over at National Lampoon. So when I post something over there - I'll post the same shit over here. Thanks, and love me.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The Maverick is Newest Viagra Spokesman
The Maverick is Newest Viagra Spokesman
Written by Daniel Harris Baer
NEW YORK CITY, NY – Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain has officially signed up to be the newest spokesman for Viagra.
At age 72, Senator John McCain has come under fire from numerous adult Web sites claiming he can no longer achieve an erection.
“At his age and lack of exercise – there is no way for him to get around the limp noodle,” said porn star Danny Lane. “It just doesn’t seem possible and I think it’s apparent from his temperament.”
And Danny Lane, most notably known for his Guinness Book of World Record of the longest known achieved erection of twenty-six hours, is not the only one questioning his bout with erectile dysfunction.
Questions’ surrounding Cindy McCain’s stint with depression and drug use stemming from the early 90’s has been linked to a lack of sex. Cindy McCain's addiction was outed when it was found she stole prescription drugs from a charity she directed and used them while mothering four young children.
All of this could have been avoided if John McCain was able to achieve an erection. Instead, he chose politics and his wife suffered.
Local black-market drug dealer, Darren McDouble, agreed that a little sex could have been deterrence from her addiction.
“I know bitches that don’t get the dick,” he said. “I got me some bitches that get mad at me when I drink a little too much of that Hennessey cognac and they get sad. Ho’s get mad.”
McDouble offered his services to McCain’s wife.
“If my shit could make her feel good – I’m all about it,” McDouble added. “She’s only a one-bagger in my book.”
After reports surrounding McCain’s signing with Viagra – GLADD spokesman Donald Suggs released a statement.
“Today is a day I wish I wasn’t gay,” Suggs said. “The thought of John McCain naked with those wrinkly balls makes me wish I liked women.”
Contrary to Suggs opinion, Viagra is extremely happy with today’s signing of their newest leading man.
“Viagra couldn’t picture a greater Maverick in American society to be featured on all of products. With John McCain able to achieve an erection after years of the inability to perform – this is a proud day to be an American.”
News of his use of Viagra was confirmed when John McCain switched parties and became a Democrat and flip-flopped and condemned the surge in Iraq.
“People should just get along,” McCain said. “Women should get equal pay, abortions should remain legal, the war in Iraq was wrong, we shouldn’t drill our natural resources, tax cuts for the middle class, a better energy policy to combat global warming and civil unions and marriages for same-sex couples should be legal immediately.”
*This is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Written by Daniel Harris Baer
NEW YORK CITY, NY – Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain has officially signed up to be the newest spokesman for Viagra.
At age 72, Senator John McCain has come under fire from numerous adult Web sites claiming he can no longer achieve an erection.
“At his age and lack of exercise – there is no way for him to get around the limp noodle,” said porn star Danny Lane. “It just doesn’t seem possible and I think it’s apparent from his temperament.”
And Danny Lane, most notably known for his Guinness Book of World Record of the longest known achieved erection of twenty-six hours, is not the only one questioning his bout with erectile dysfunction.
Questions’ surrounding Cindy McCain’s stint with depression and drug use stemming from the early 90’s has been linked to a lack of sex. Cindy McCain's addiction was outed when it was found she stole prescription drugs from a charity she directed and used them while mothering four young children.
All of this could have been avoided if John McCain was able to achieve an erection. Instead, he chose politics and his wife suffered.
Local black-market drug dealer, Darren McDouble, agreed that a little sex could have been deterrence from her addiction.
“I know bitches that don’t get the dick,” he said. “I got me some bitches that get mad at me when I drink a little too much of that Hennessey cognac and they get sad. Ho’s get mad.”
McDouble offered his services to McCain’s wife.
“If my shit could make her feel good – I’m all about it,” McDouble added. “She’s only a one-bagger in my book.”
After reports surrounding McCain’s signing with Viagra – GLADD spokesman Donald Suggs released a statement.
“Today is a day I wish I wasn’t gay,” Suggs said. “The thought of John McCain naked with those wrinkly balls makes me wish I liked women.”
Contrary to Suggs opinion, Viagra is extremely happy with today’s signing of their newest leading man.
“Viagra couldn’t picture a greater Maverick in American society to be featured on all of products. With John McCain able to achieve an erection after years of the inability to perform – this is a proud day to be an American.”
News of his use of Viagra was confirmed when John McCain switched parties and became a Democrat and flip-flopped and condemned the surge in Iraq.
“People should just get along,” McCain said. “Women should get equal pay, abortions should remain legal, the war in Iraq was wrong, we shouldn’t drill our natural resources, tax cuts for the middle class, a better energy policy to combat global warming and civil unions and marriages for same-sex couples should be legal immediately.”
*This is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
REPUBLICANS EQUATE INDIVIDUALITY WITH ABNORMALITY
REPUBLICANS EQUATE INDIVIDUALITY WITH ABNORMALITY
WRITTEN BY DANIEL HARRIS BAER
DAYTON, OH – A week after Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain ended his nomination acceptance speech with the repeated phrase of fight – more so, fight for the oppressed – a young Republican took action.
William Russo III, a McCain supporter from Dayton, took his message of fighting for the oppressed to a Gay Pride parade.
“I was so inspired by McCain telling me to fight for the oppressed,” Russo said. “I used to think the Gay’s would want to have sex with me if we ever crossed paths. So, I decided to help the Gay’s at a rally and help the Maverick with his message.”
Russo did go to the parade – but the message of fighting for the oppressed did not.
After fifteen minutes, Russo was attacked by a group of fifteen anti-gay protestors.
“I don’t remember much – like, I kind of blacked out,” Russo said. “I can only recall being punched in the nuts seven or eight times and falling to the ground.”
After the attack, Russo was immediately taken to a local hospital where he’ll remain for more testing.
After the fighting ensued, cops quickly ended the parade and arrested four men referred to as “the Disciples of Palin or a Palintologist.”
One of these so-called disciples or Palintologist, Henry Huck, 24, claims Sarah Palin spoke to him through telepathy and God.
“I was told by God and Sarah Palin to go to this parade and convert a Gay into a normal person,” he said. “When our leader told us to fight for the oppressed – he was telling us to fight the gay disease. He was pleading with us to rip it out of them at any cost.”
When news of this event spread in Ohio, which is considered by pundits to be the most important battleground state to win in the upcoming election, Republicans and Democrats stormed in from every county and conjugated in front of the Columbus Capital Building and a riot esculated.
After seven hours of fighting, various news organizations are reporting forty deaths, with an additional sixty people critically injured.
Robert Dwayne, a registered Republican from Cleveland, took his five-year-old son to the capital.
“I ain’t letting my son grow up to get the gay disease,” he spit. “He’s becoming a man and needs to fight for what is right in the eyes of God.”
His five-year-old, Matthew, was taken to the hospital with a collapsed lung.
“He’s a tough kid,” Dwayne added. “He’ll suck it up and learn to avoid a gay punch.”
Both campaigns released statements after the riots had halted.
“We are sad to see violence erupt over a parade to celebrate someone’s individuality,” an Obama Spokesman stated. “We hope Americans can put their differences aside to focus, and unite as one country to move forward together.”
The McCain camp responded saying, “John McCain is a Maverick and lived side-by-side with men in the five years he spent as a POW in Vietnam.”
*This is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
WRITTEN BY DANIEL HARRIS BAER
DAYTON, OH – A week after Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain ended his nomination acceptance speech with the repeated phrase of fight – more so, fight for the oppressed – a young Republican took action.
William Russo III, a McCain supporter from Dayton, took his message of fighting for the oppressed to a Gay Pride parade.
“I was so inspired by McCain telling me to fight for the oppressed,” Russo said. “I used to think the Gay’s would want to have sex with me if we ever crossed paths. So, I decided to help the Gay’s at a rally and help the Maverick with his message.”
Russo did go to the parade – but the message of fighting for the oppressed did not.
After fifteen minutes, Russo was attacked by a group of fifteen anti-gay protestors.
“I don’t remember much – like, I kind of blacked out,” Russo said. “I can only recall being punched in the nuts seven or eight times and falling to the ground.”
After the attack, Russo was immediately taken to a local hospital where he’ll remain for more testing.
After the fighting ensued, cops quickly ended the parade and arrested four men referred to as “the Disciples of Palin or a Palintologist.”
One of these so-called disciples or Palintologist, Henry Huck, 24, claims Sarah Palin spoke to him through telepathy and God.
“I was told by God and Sarah Palin to go to this parade and convert a Gay into a normal person,” he said. “When our leader told us to fight for the oppressed – he was telling us to fight the gay disease. He was pleading with us to rip it out of them at any cost.”
When news of this event spread in Ohio, which is considered by pundits to be the most important battleground state to win in the upcoming election, Republicans and Democrats stormed in from every county and conjugated in front of the Columbus Capital Building and a riot esculated.
After seven hours of fighting, various news organizations are reporting forty deaths, with an additional sixty people critically injured.
Robert Dwayne, a registered Republican from Cleveland, took his five-year-old son to the capital.
“I ain’t letting my son grow up to get the gay disease,” he spit. “He’s becoming a man and needs to fight for what is right in the eyes of God.”
His five-year-old, Matthew, was taken to the hospital with a collapsed lung.
“He’s a tough kid,” Dwayne added. “He’ll suck it up and learn to avoid a gay punch.”
Both campaigns released statements after the riots had halted.
“We are sad to see violence erupt over a parade to celebrate someone’s individuality,” an Obama Spokesman stated. “We hope Americans can put their differences aside to focus, and unite as one country to move forward together.”
The McCain camp responded saying, “John McCain is a Maverick and lived side-by-side with men in the five years he spent as a POW in Vietnam.”
*This is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
GIULIANI SUED BY FORMER COMB OVER
GIULIANI SUED BY FORMER COMB OVER
Written by Daniel Harris Baer
St. Paul, MN – Former Mayor of New York City Rudolph Giuliani gave a strong speech Wednesday night in front of 45,000 cheering Republicans. However, his speech was partially interrupted for five minutes during jeers of mockery from the former Mayor’s comb over.
“When I was covering the right part of the head – he seemed more normal. I was the rational part of his head,” Guiliani’s comb over said. “Now that he just brushes me all the way to the back – his political views have changed and he’s become a war monger.”
Guiliani’s comb over added that it’s decided to file suit against the former Mayor's right side of his head seeking some sort of two-party politics between Guiliani.
“When we were in office, I was more of the Democrat and he was more of the conservative,” the comb over claimed. “But now he’s not compromising and is just trying to brush me off. And I will not allow that to happen. I helped his political career when he was starting out.”
Guiliani’s PR spokesman fired back at these claims.
“The comb over was a statement in the 90’s,” the PR spokesman said. “But this is 2008 and his head has no place for the comb over anymore.”
And if words were not enough – Guiliani cut ties with his former comb over completely.
“We had a good run,” the former comb over said. “Even though I’m not a part of Guiliani anymore – you can’t hide us. John McCain still has one and that’s the Independent side of him.”
McCain’s comb over declined comment.
*This story is intended for satirical purposes only.
Written by Daniel Harris Baer
St. Paul, MN – Former Mayor of New York City Rudolph Giuliani gave a strong speech Wednesday night in front of 45,000 cheering Republicans. However, his speech was partially interrupted for five minutes during jeers of mockery from the former Mayor’s comb over.
“When I was covering the right part of the head – he seemed more normal. I was the rational part of his head,” Guiliani’s comb over said. “Now that he just brushes me all the way to the back – his political views have changed and he’s become a war monger.”
Guiliani’s comb over added that it’s decided to file suit against the former Mayor's right side of his head seeking some sort of two-party politics between Guiliani.
“When we were in office, I was more of the Democrat and he was more of the conservative,” the comb over claimed. “But now he’s not compromising and is just trying to brush me off. And I will not allow that to happen. I helped his political career when he was starting out.”
Guiliani’s PR spokesman fired back at these claims.
“The comb over was a statement in the 90’s,” the PR spokesman said. “But this is 2008 and his head has no place for the comb over anymore.”
And if words were not enough – Guiliani cut ties with his former comb over completely.
“We had a good run,” the former comb over said. “Even though I’m not a part of Guiliani anymore – you can’t hide us. John McCain still has one and that’s the Independent side of him.”
McCain’s comb over declined comment.
*This story is intended for satirical purposes only.
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