"Where We're Going - We Don't NEED Roads"

That was a quote by the most famous, alluringly radiant and pulchritudinous scientist I know - Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown, who by the way – invented the TIME MACHINE! But in actuality, where my friends (Iceman, Nitro and Bob) and I did go – we surely did need roads. You may wonder what in the name of the mythological Minotaur am I talking about?

And no – I’m not talking about how I once traveled from Manhattan to Brooklyn to witness a friend actually knock out Mike Tyson – first round, UPPER CUT, JAB, UPPER CUT, in Tyson’s Punch Out (greatest game ever!) Or beat Contra without using the cheating code. Contra’s a war zone, friends.

But I digress.

I’m only talking about the most exciting road trip (courtesy of Greyhound) in the history of historical histories.
I’m talking about a road trip to the STATE OF THE UNION. Curtail the excitement please. My fingers are shaking as I type this…

Suddenly, I’m hyperventilating in a brown paper bag.

First – before entering the bus – we had to go through our checklist for this trip.
1.) Condoms – CHECK
2.) Alcohol – CHECK
3.) SHROOMS – DOUBLE CHECK
4.) Head Shot of Nancy Pelosi - CHECKMATE

These are necessities for a State of the Union – for tailgating, of course.

Secondly, we had to get our posters ready for some celebrity signatures. Forget Tom Cruise, Zac Efron, Brad Pitt, the dude from Slumdog Millionaire or any ‘Hollywood’ folk. I’m talking about getting me some Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, House Majority Leader Steny H. Hoyer and if we’re lucky – I mean LOTTO lucky – getting Freshman Rep. Jared Polis – a new hottie Democrat from Colorado.

Most of you would question – why not get Obama’s autograph? And I’ll answer – he’s old news now. FIVE WEEKS – PUH-LEASE. Give me a little Rep. Earl Blumenauer from Oregon and that’ll be the cherry on top of my State of the Union Sundae.

By the time we arrived at our destination, the shrooms were kicking in, hallucinations of Nancy Pelosi speaking to me in Yiddish were apparent and the alcohol had reached the point of poisoning. We stepped off the bus, condom wrappers open and placed on point (just in case opportunity presented itself) and the party was just about to begin.

We put our lawn chairs down, cracked open a cold beer and waited for the hoards of people to start arriving.
After fifteen minutes, and a tumbleweed blowing through the dirt field, we started freaking out – like ‘Requiem for a Dream’ freaking out. We asked a local man when the tailgating would start for the State of the Union.

He didn’t know what were we talking about. So, I grabbed his stained collar, kicked him in the pelvis, got up in his face and spit out words of disgust.

And then a voice, maybe God, maybe the narrator from ‘Field of Dreams’ or possibly James Earl Jones, came from above and told us something interesting.

“You are in Centralia, Pennsylvania.”

Confused, we didn’t know what to do. Stuck, lost and scared – we did the only thing three dudes on shrooms, with condoms on and alcohol poisoning would do…

We hopped on the saddle of a Minotaur and rode back into the sunset - bound for Manhattan.

*This was for entertainment purposes only. A Minotaur does not really exist. Drugs are illegal and wrong. And, although a possibility, I do not think anyone would tailgate for the State of the Union.

Ten Things to do WHILST watching the Oscars

The 81st Annual Academy Awards have come and gone…and since the ceremony seemed to move like a slow and agonizing death – akin to a death by way of falling down a mountain top hitting each jagged edge, cliff by cliff, until you hit the bottom four hours later – I decided to come up with ten things comparable to watching the 2009 Oscars.

1.) Find a bunch of rocks and start a collection.
2.) Name each rock in that collection, i.e. Pedro, Susan, Little Pedro, Big Susan, etc.
3.) Make your bed sixteen different ways. Take a picture of each said way. Post it on Facebook. Update your status.
4.) Planning your funeral.
5.) Trying to pet a pregnant raccoon.
6.) Hanging out with Dawson Leery (Douchebag from Dawson’s Creek.)
7.) Witnessing the birth of a Minotaur.
8.) Playing ‘The Legend of Zelda’ alone, in the mountains – where shit gets freaky.
9.) Hanging out with Joaquin Phoenix and Dawson Leery on a loveseat, in a studio apartment, on the 8th floor, with no elevator, stairs or exits – for eternity.
10.) Having a conjugal visit with a serial killer.

Zac Efron contemplates HEAD SHAVE MAY end the WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

“I can’t handle the paparazzi. They’re everywhere.” And later, while talking about traveling the world, Zac Efron added, “Maybe I’d shave my head to try and go incognito? Yeah, that’s what I’d do.”

And I was bothered by this curse, misfortune, evil eye, spell, whammy and bugaboo Zac Efron must endure on a daily basis. Why lord, WHY? So bothered, in fact, I went into a New York City diner and put down a whole plate of Mac N’ Cheese in forty-seven seconds.

But then my lactose intolerance subsided. And I saw my hideous shut of a face in the reflection of my empty plate. And then I thought, DUDE?

Zac Efron – are we supposed to feel sympathy for you? Millions of girls grovel for you daily. Money is not an issue. And in this economic crisis – that is what you’re thinking about? About shaving your head?

But if you do shave your head – you know what you’ll look like?

Insert courtesy drum roll…

You’ll look like ZAC EFRON with a shaved head. If you really want to avoid the paparazzi – I suggest you have drastic plastic surgery and remodel your face to look like mine. (Note to Zac: I haven’t had a date in five months.)

And I say ‘Dude’ again! (Insert ANGER in my DUDE.)

Any girlfriend, wife, friend with benefit, penpal, inmate correspondence, teacher or third cousin (not by blood) I ever have would cheat on me with you.

But, Zac is human, and I will sympathize with him. As I left the diner, a homeless man asked me for some change. Empty pockets and all, I offered this homeless man some advice – you know, keeping it real, homey.

I said, “Hey homeless dude. It could always be worse. You could be Zac Efron!”

He smiled at me, and we had our moment. And then he spit on my shoe.

National Lampoon

I've become a blogger over at National Lampoon. So when I post something over there - I'll post the same shit over here. Thanks, and love me.