REPUBLICANS EQUATE INDIVIDUALITY WITH ABNORMALITY

REPUBLICANS EQUATE INDIVIDUALITY WITH ABNORMALITY

WRITTEN BY DANIEL HARRIS BAER

DAYTON, OH – A week after Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain ended his nomination acceptance speech with the repeated phrase of fight – more so, fight for the oppressed – a young Republican took action.

William Russo III, a McCain supporter from Dayton, took his message of fighting for the oppressed to a Gay Pride parade.

“I was so inspired by McCain telling me to fight for the oppressed,” Russo said. “I used to think the Gay’s would want to have sex with me if we ever crossed paths. So, I decided to help the Gay’s at a rally and help the Maverick with his message.”

Russo did go to the parade – but the message of fighting for the oppressed did not.

After fifteen minutes, Russo was attacked by a group of fifteen anti-gay protestors.

“I don’t remember much – like, I kind of blacked out,” Russo said. “I can only recall being punched in the nuts seven or eight times and falling to the ground.”

After the attack, Russo was immediately taken to a local hospital where he’ll remain for more testing.

After the fighting ensued, cops quickly ended the parade and arrested four men referred to as “the Disciples of Palin or a Palintologist.”

One of these so-called disciples or Palintologist, Henry Huck, 24, claims Sarah Palin spoke to him through telepathy and God.

“I was told by God and Sarah Palin to go to this parade and convert a Gay into a normal person,” he said. “When our leader told us to fight for the oppressed – he was telling us to fight the gay disease. He was pleading with us to rip it out of them at any cost.”

When news of this event spread in Ohio, which is considered by pundits to be the most important battleground state to win in the upcoming election, Republicans and Democrats stormed in from every county and conjugated in front of the Columbus Capital Building and a riot esculated.

After seven hours of fighting, various news organizations are reporting forty deaths, with an additional sixty people critically injured.

Robert Dwayne, a registered Republican from Cleveland, took his five-year-old son to the capital.

“I ain’t letting my son grow up to get the gay disease,” he spit. “He’s becoming a man and needs to fight for what is right in the eyes of God.”

His five-year-old, Matthew, was taken to the hospital with a collapsed lung.

“He’s a tough kid,” Dwayne added. “He’ll suck it up and learn to avoid a gay punch.”

Both campaigns released statements after the riots had halted.

“We are sad to see violence erupt over a parade to celebrate someone’s individuality,” an Obama Spokesman stated. “We hope Americans can put their differences aside to focus, and unite as one country to move forward together.”

The McCain camp responded saying, “John McCain is a Maverick and lived side-by-side with men in the five years he spent as a POW in Vietnam.”

*This is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.