The Maverick is Newest Viagra Spokesman
Written by Daniel Harris Baer
NEW YORK CITY, NY – Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain has officially signed up to be the newest spokesman for Viagra.
At age 72, Senator John McCain has come under fire from numerous adult Web sites claiming he can no longer achieve an erection.
“At his age and lack of exercise – there is no way for him to get around the limp noodle,” said porn star Danny Lane. “It just doesn’t seem possible and I think it’s apparent from his temperament.”
And Danny Lane, most notably known for his Guinness Book of World Record of the longest known achieved erection of twenty-six hours, is not the only one questioning his bout with erectile dysfunction.
Questions’ surrounding Cindy McCain’s stint with depression and drug use stemming from the early 90’s has been linked to a lack of sex. Cindy McCain's addiction was outed when it was found she stole prescription drugs from a charity she directed and used them while mothering four young children.
All of this could have been avoided if John McCain was able to achieve an erection. Instead, he chose politics and his wife suffered.
Local black-market drug dealer, Darren McDouble, agreed that a little sex could have been deterrence from her addiction.
“I know bitches that don’t get the dick,” he said. “I got me some bitches that get mad at me when I drink a little too much of that Hennessey cognac and they get sad. Ho’s get mad.”
McDouble offered his services to McCain’s wife.
“If my shit could make her feel good – I’m all about it,” McDouble added. “She’s only a one-bagger in my book.”
After reports surrounding McCain’s signing with Viagra – GLADD spokesman Donald Suggs released a statement.
“Today is a day I wish I wasn’t gay,” Suggs said. “The thought of John McCain naked with those wrinkly balls makes me wish I liked women.”
Contrary to Suggs opinion, Viagra is extremely happy with today’s signing of their newest leading man.
“Viagra couldn’t picture a greater Maverick in American society to be featured on all of products. With John McCain able to achieve an erection after years of the inability to perform – this is a proud day to be an American.”
News of his use of Viagra was confirmed when John McCain switched parties and became a Democrat and flip-flopped and condemned the surge in Iraq.
“People should just get along,” McCain said. “Women should get equal pay, abortions should remain legal, the war in Iraq was wrong, we shouldn’t drill our natural resources, tax cuts for the middle class, a better energy policy to combat global warming and civil unions and marriages for same-sex couples should be legal immediately.”
*This is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
REPUBLICANS EQUATE INDIVIDUALITY WITH ABNORMALITY
REPUBLICANS EQUATE INDIVIDUALITY WITH ABNORMALITY
WRITTEN BY DANIEL HARRIS BAER
DAYTON, OH – A week after Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain ended his nomination acceptance speech with the repeated phrase of fight – more so, fight for the oppressed – a young Republican took action.
William Russo III, a McCain supporter from Dayton, took his message of fighting for the oppressed to a Gay Pride parade.
“I was so inspired by McCain telling me to fight for the oppressed,” Russo said. “I used to think the Gay’s would want to have sex with me if we ever crossed paths. So, I decided to help the Gay’s at a rally and help the Maverick with his message.”
Russo did go to the parade – but the message of fighting for the oppressed did not.
After fifteen minutes, Russo was attacked by a group of fifteen anti-gay protestors.
“I don’t remember much – like, I kind of blacked out,” Russo said. “I can only recall being punched in the nuts seven or eight times and falling to the ground.”
After the attack, Russo was immediately taken to a local hospital where he’ll remain for more testing.
After the fighting ensued, cops quickly ended the parade and arrested four men referred to as “the Disciples of Palin or a Palintologist.”
One of these so-called disciples or Palintologist, Henry Huck, 24, claims Sarah Palin spoke to him through telepathy and God.
“I was told by God and Sarah Palin to go to this parade and convert a Gay into a normal person,” he said. “When our leader told us to fight for the oppressed – he was telling us to fight the gay disease. He was pleading with us to rip it out of them at any cost.”
When news of this event spread in Ohio, which is considered by pundits to be the most important battleground state to win in the upcoming election, Republicans and Democrats stormed in from every county and conjugated in front of the Columbus Capital Building and a riot esculated.
After seven hours of fighting, various news organizations are reporting forty deaths, with an additional sixty people critically injured.
Robert Dwayne, a registered Republican from Cleveland, took his five-year-old son to the capital.
“I ain’t letting my son grow up to get the gay disease,” he spit. “He’s becoming a man and needs to fight for what is right in the eyes of God.”
His five-year-old, Matthew, was taken to the hospital with a collapsed lung.
“He’s a tough kid,” Dwayne added. “He’ll suck it up and learn to avoid a gay punch.”
Both campaigns released statements after the riots had halted.
“We are sad to see violence erupt over a parade to celebrate someone’s individuality,” an Obama Spokesman stated. “We hope Americans can put their differences aside to focus, and unite as one country to move forward together.”
The McCain camp responded saying, “John McCain is a Maverick and lived side-by-side with men in the five years he spent as a POW in Vietnam.”
*This is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
WRITTEN BY DANIEL HARRIS BAER
DAYTON, OH – A week after Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain ended his nomination acceptance speech with the repeated phrase of fight – more so, fight for the oppressed – a young Republican took action.
William Russo III, a McCain supporter from Dayton, took his message of fighting for the oppressed to a Gay Pride parade.
“I was so inspired by McCain telling me to fight for the oppressed,” Russo said. “I used to think the Gay’s would want to have sex with me if we ever crossed paths. So, I decided to help the Gay’s at a rally and help the Maverick with his message.”
Russo did go to the parade – but the message of fighting for the oppressed did not.
After fifteen minutes, Russo was attacked by a group of fifteen anti-gay protestors.
“I don’t remember much – like, I kind of blacked out,” Russo said. “I can only recall being punched in the nuts seven or eight times and falling to the ground.”
After the attack, Russo was immediately taken to a local hospital where he’ll remain for more testing.
After the fighting ensued, cops quickly ended the parade and arrested four men referred to as “the Disciples of Palin or a Palintologist.”
One of these so-called disciples or Palintologist, Henry Huck, 24, claims Sarah Palin spoke to him through telepathy and God.
“I was told by God and Sarah Palin to go to this parade and convert a Gay into a normal person,” he said. “When our leader told us to fight for the oppressed – he was telling us to fight the gay disease. He was pleading with us to rip it out of them at any cost.”
When news of this event spread in Ohio, which is considered by pundits to be the most important battleground state to win in the upcoming election, Republicans and Democrats stormed in from every county and conjugated in front of the Columbus Capital Building and a riot esculated.
After seven hours of fighting, various news organizations are reporting forty deaths, with an additional sixty people critically injured.
Robert Dwayne, a registered Republican from Cleveland, took his five-year-old son to the capital.
“I ain’t letting my son grow up to get the gay disease,” he spit. “He’s becoming a man and needs to fight for what is right in the eyes of God.”
His five-year-old, Matthew, was taken to the hospital with a collapsed lung.
“He’s a tough kid,” Dwayne added. “He’ll suck it up and learn to avoid a gay punch.”
Both campaigns released statements after the riots had halted.
“We are sad to see violence erupt over a parade to celebrate someone’s individuality,” an Obama Spokesman stated. “We hope Americans can put their differences aside to focus, and unite as one country to move forward together.”
The McCain camp responded saying, “John McCain is a Maverick and lived side-by-side with men in the five years he spent as a POW in Vietnam.”
*This is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
GIULIANI SUED BY FORMER COMB OVER
GIULIANI SUED BY FORMER COMB OVER
Written by Daniel Harris Baer
St. Paul, MN – Former Mayor of New York City Rudolph Giuliani gave a strong speech Wednesday night in front of 45,000 cheering Republicans. However, his speech was partially interrupted for five minutes during jeers of mockery from the former Mayor’s comb over.
“When I was covering the right part of the head – he seemed more normal. I was the rational part of his head,” Guiliani’s comb over said. “Now that he just brushes me all the way to the back – his political views have changed and he’s become a war monger.”
Guiliani’s comb over added that it’s decided to file suit against the former Mayor's right side of his head seeking some sort of two-party politics between Guiliani.
“When we were in office, I was more of the Democrat and he was more of the conservative,” the comb over claimed. “But now he’s not compromising and is just trying to brush me off. And I will not allow that to happen. I helped his political career when he was starting out.”
Guiliani’s PR spokesman fired back at these claims.
“The comb over was a statement in the 90’s,” the PR spokesman said. “But this is 2008 and his head has no place for the comb over anymore.”
And if words were not enough – Guiliani cut ties with his former comb over completely.
“We had a good run,” the former comb over said. “Even though I’m not a part of Guiliani anymore – you can’t hide us. John McCain still has one and that’s the Independent side of him.”
McCain’s comb over declined comment.
*This story is intended for satirical purposes only.
Written by Daniel Harris Baer
St. Paul, MN – Former Mayor of New York City Rudolph Giuliani gave a strong speech Wednesday night in front of 45,000 cheering Republicans. However, his speech was partially interrupted for five minutes during jeers of mockery from the former Mayor’s comb over.
“When I was covering the right part of the head – he seemed more normal. I was the rational part of his head,” Guiliani’s comb over said. “Now that he just brushes me all the way to the back – his political views have changed and he’s become a war monger.”
Guiliani’s comb over added that it’s decided to file suit against the former Mayor's right side of his head seeking some sort of two-party politics between Guiliani.
“When we were in office, I was more of the Democrat and he was more of the conservative,” the comb over claimed. “But now he’s not compromising and is just trying to brush me off. And I will not allow that to happen. I helped his political career when he was starting out.”
Guiliani’s PR spokesman fired back at these claims.
“The comb over was a statement in the 90’s,” the PR spokesman said. “But this is 2008 and his head has no place for the comb over anymore.”
And if words were not enough – Guiliani cut ties with his former comb over completely.
“We had a good run,” the former comb over said. “Even though I’m not a part of Guiliani anymore – you can’t hide us. John McCain still has one and that’s the Independent side of him.”
McCain’s comb over declined comment.
*This story is intended for satirical purposes only.
AFRICAN AMERICAN ARRESTED FOR BEING AFRICAN AMERICAN
AFRICAN AMERICAN ARRESTED FOR BEING AFRICAN AMERICAN
Written By Daniel Harris Baer
St. Paul, MN – An African American male, Duke Ellington III, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with being black inside the Xcel Energy Center during the Republican National Convention. Ellington, a John McCain supporter, is an elected delegate hailing from Florida.
“I came to support my nominee,” he said. “But before I could get to the Florida area of the arena – seventeen cops and Texans tackled me, tasered me and put me in handcuffs.”
Ellington, a High School Principal and father of three, is being held on a ten million dollar bail.
Quickly after being tackled, the three major news networks, MSNBC, CNN and Fox News obtained amateur footage of the incident.
The footage obtained shows Ellington walking down the aisle in the lower bowl of the arena posing no threat before he brutally gets accosted by members of the Republican Party security.
Said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, “The black guy posed a huge threat to the events of the night. Judging from what I saw – he looked like he was getting ready to go on a pick-pocketing spree of the hard-working and honest people of the party.”
Ellington’s lawyer, Lionel Smith, is countering O’Reilly’s claims with proof that his client is a registered Republican delegate and had every right to be there to support his candidate.
O’Reilly responded, “I know black folks real well because I drive by the projects every day on my way to work. And that guy was not an elected Republican delegate. Jesus, we don’t allow black people to even be elected delegates. Wait – this better be off the record.”
Both MSNBC and CNN condemned the acts as racially motivated violence.
Unable to afford to post bail, Ellington remains behind bars in the St. Paul region as a high-risk terrorist threat.
“I just wanted to show the nation that an African-American can support a Republican,” Ellington said. “I didn’t realize that I’d be arrested for just being black.”
When notified about the incident, Governor of Alaska and Vice-Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin replied, “Racism is not a man-made problem. It’s a punishment from God and for those who do not follow the beliefs of creationism.”
Presidential Nominee John McCain refused to comment, but his campaign released the following statement: “The Maverick John McCain is an American Hero who was tortured in a prison camp for five years. That’s some straight talk for you!”
*This story is for entertainment only. The names are used for satirical purposes only.
Written By Daniel Harris Baer
St. Paul, MN – An African American male, Duke Ellington III, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with being black inside the Xcel Energy Center during the Republican National Convention. Ellington, a John McCain supporter, is an elected delegate hailing from Florida.
“I came to support my nominee,” he said. “But before I could get to the Florida area of the arena – seventeen cops and Texans tackled me, tasered me and put me in handcuffs.”
Ellington, a High School Principal and father of three, is being held on a ten million dollar bail.
Quickly after being tackled, the three major news networks, MSNBC, CNN and Fox News obtained amateur footage of the incident.
The footage obtained shows Ellington walking down the aisle in the lower bowl of the arena posing no threat before he brutally gets accosted by members of the Republican Party security.
Said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, “The black guy posed a huge threat to the events of the night. Judging from what I saw – he looked like he was getting ready to go on a pick-pocketing spree of the hard-working and honest people of the party.”
Ellington’s lawyer, Lionel Smith, is countering O’Reilly’s claims with proof that his client is a registered Republican delegate and had every right to be there to support his candidate.
O’Reilly responded, “I know black folks real well because I drive by the projects every day on my way to work. And that guy was not an elected Republican delegate. Jesus, we don’t allow black people to even be elected delegates. Wait – this better be off the record.”
Both MSNBC and CNN condemned the acts as racially motivated violence.
Unable to afford to post bail, Ellington remains behind bars in the St. Paul region as a high-risk terrorist threat.
“I just wanted to show the nation that an African-American can support a Republican,” Ellington said. “I didn’t realize that I’d be arrested for just being black.”
When notified about the incident, Governor of Alaska and Vice-Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin replied, “Racism is not a man-made problem. It’s a punishment from God and for those who do not follow the beliefs of creationism.”
Presidential Nominee John McCain refused to comment, but his campaign released the following statement: “The Maverick John McCain is an American Hero who was tortured in a prison camp for five years. That’s some straight talk for you!”
*This story is for entertainment only. The names are used for satirical purposes only.
November 5, 2012 (EVE OF ELECTION
Exaggerated by Daniel Harris Baer
This is a summary in our future if John McCain is elected President of the United States.
November 5, 2012
It’s the night before the Presidential election, and John McCain is not in the race. He was a one-term President and Sarah Palin is the Republican Nominee.
This is the status of the United States:
- On November 4, 2009, President John McCain’s conservative Supreme Court overturned Roe V. Wade and abortion became forbidden by law. With Vice President Palin perseverance – not even rape or incest provides just cause for abortion.
- The return of the Cold War: The United States invaded Russia on April 16, 2009. After three years of fighting – President McCain promises that the surge is beginning to work.
- Osama Bin Laden is still at large. McCain kept soldiers returning to Iraq for sixth and seventh tour of duties. Meanwhile, and ignoring a Democratic Majority in the House – McCain vetoes any attempt to focus the attention on Pakistan and Afghanistan.
- With three wars going on in Iraq, Iran and Russia, alongside the constant problems in Pakistan and Afghanistan – McCain reenlisted the use of a draft due to a depleted army.
- Soldiers who died defending the United States – 21,504 and counting…
- Average winter temperature in New York City – 59 degrees.
- Seven major hurricanes made impact on US land in 2011.
- Vice President Sarah Palin still deems hurricanes as an act from God.
- Religion (Christian) taught in public schools.
- Economy: In 2009, we entered a recession. By 2011, the United States market had crashed and we entered a time comparable to 1929 and the beginning of the Great Depression. McCain kept giving massive tax cuts to the rich and the poor became bankrupt. The housing market crashed, gas peaked at $8.29 a gallon and the average income is down $6,000 from the previous Presidency under George W. Bush.
- India and China are now the economic powers of the world because of outsourcing.
- North Korea began making serious nuclear threats in 2010. McCain thinks an attack is in the future.
- Israel is no longer one of the United States biggest allies. Vice President Sarah Palin continues to scold Israel’s conflict with Palestine as a punishment from God.
- Federal deficit: 790 billion in 2012 – up from 490 billion in 2008.
- They "Drilled Now," and our natural resources in Alaska and the Florida Everglades are becoming scarce and we're still dependent on foreign oil.
- Polar Bears are extinct.
- Same-sex marriages, as well as Unions: Banned in 2009.
- Former President George W. Bush now known as the second worst President of all time.
This is a summary in our future if John McCain is elected President of the United States.
November 5, 2012
It’s the night before the Presidential election, and John McCain is not in the race. He was a one-term President and Sarah Palin is the Republican Nominee.
This is the status of the United States:
- On November 4, 2009, President John McCain’s conservative Supreme Court overturned Roe V. Wade and abortion became forbidden by law. With Vice President Palin perseverance – not even rape or incest provides just cause for abortion.
- The return of the Cold War: The United States invaded Russia on April 16, 2009. After three years of fighting – President McCain promises that the surge is beginning to work.
- Osama Bin Laden is still at large. McCain kept soldiers returning to Iraq for sixth and seventh tour of duties. Meanwhile, and ignoring a Democratic Majority in the House – McCain vetoes any attempt to focus the attention on Pakistan and Afghanistan.
- With three wars going on in Iraq, Iran and Russia, alongside the constant problems in Pakistan and Afghanistan – McCain reenlisted the use of a draft due to a depleted army.
- Soldiers who died defending the United States – 21,504 and counting…
- Average winter temperature in New York City – 59 degrees.
- Seven major hurricanes made impact on US land in 2011.
- Vice President Sarah Palin still deems hurricanes as an act from God.
- Religion (Christian) taught in public schools.
- Economy: In 2009, we entered a recession. By 2011, the United States market had crashed and we entered a time comparable to 1929 and the beginning of the Great Depression. McCain kept giving massive tax cuts to the rich and the poor became bankrupt. The housing market crashed, gas peaked at $8.29 a gallon and the average income is down $6,000 from the previous Presidency under George W. Bush.
- India and China are now the economic powers of the world because of outsourcing.
- North Korea began making serious nuclear threats in 2010. McCain thinks an attack is in the future.
- Israel is no longer one of the United States biggest allies. Vice President Sarah Palin continues to scold Israel’s conflict with Palestine as a punishment from God.
- Federal deficit: 790 billion in 2012 – up from 490 billion in 2008.
- They "Drilled Now," and our natural resources in Alaska and the Florida Everglades are becoming scarce and we're still dependent on foreign oil.
- Polar Bears are extinct.
- Same-sex marriages, as well as Unions: Banned in 2009.
- Former President George W. Bush now known as the second worst President of all time.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
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