A short I directed

Dog Days teaser trailer

Here is the teaser trailer of Dog Days, a DOGumentary I'm working on. More to come soon. Enjoy.

Hate his music - but the guy is getting better with each acting gig. This was from Southland Tales - which most hated or didn't see - I LOVED it. Richard Kelly is 20 years ahead of film today - and that is his curse. This was one of the coolest scenes from the movie. It's very Kubrick.

Starbucks EQUALS STARFUCKS

The funny thing about the title of this blog is I'm sitting in a Starbucks right now writing this.

I'm a walking contradiction.

Part of the advantage of living in New York City is the overkill of coffee shops. However, in the overly pretentious area of New York City I live in we called the Upper East Side, ala, old money, Starbucks rules supreme.

Hence, why I'm writing in a Starbucks. I need somewhere to write. I can't sit in my apartment and get any sort of dialogue on paper, err, laptop. I live in a room with Craigslist furniture, a used bed, no dresser but I do have a Plasma television (which I'm still paying off...)

I will watch intelligence killer shows like "I love New York" or "Flav of Love" over and over. I am slowing retarding.

I should probably consider prostituting myself on Craigslist to pay off that fucking television. Or I will strip for women for $17 an hour (plus you'll receive a signed copy of my latest script...Which will probably decrease my hourly value.)

So I sit in this fake cafe' with men in suits conversing by phone with someone else about business or leisure. And I watch mothers forcing their children to sit, miserably, while they drink coffee and chat on a phone with a friend.

What happened to the point of a coffee shop? A coffee shop is a great place to sit and talk with friends, employees, anyone. Now a days, a coffee shop serves no real purpose. The CEO of Starbucks should consider making it an outdoor, wait in line, type of coffee stop, not shop.

Maybe I'm just jaded on the whole Starbucks phenomenon. I don't even like the coffee here. It tastes like dirt and smells like a burning soiled diaper.

It's truly amazing how a small coffee shop is becoming a dying breed because of Starfucks. The Bucks' baristas usually have no personality. They'll never remember you. They just try to rush you out as fast as you come in. There is always a line. And, if I order a drink with brown sugar - I have to go and bring it to them.

I hate you Starbucks. I hate you so much. I hate everything about you.

I am going to list the three BEST coffee shops in New York City.

Pick Me Up Cafe (Between 9th-10th St. Avenue A - East Village)
B-Cup Cafe (13th St. Avenue B - East Village)
Java Girl (66th St, 1st Avenue - Upper East Side)

Try one of those places out. I promise you'll have a better experience and better coffee over Starbucks. And you won't have to stare at some old sexless woman getting off on reading a Danielle Steele novel.

Best song to listen to while doing something illegal

BEST SONG AND VIDEO EVER TO LISTEN TO WHILE DOING ILLEGAL.

Negativity equals Bliss

Why do so many people always bash someone for being negative? Have you ever wondered why being negative is so negative?

I think being negative is the new being positive.

Why in a world of so much shit - can we not just say that things aren't going well? People break up. Friends become enemies and, especially living in NYC, we go broke.

So after all of that - are we supposed to say something out of a "Leave it to Beaver" episode like - Sure Beav - everything will be just swell.

Not a chance.

I'll tell it like it is. I'll say - Fucking A' - shit is just so shitty. I'm a mother-fucking realist. I'm not negative. I just keep it real.

This world would be such a better place is people like your parents, your spouses, your teachers and most importantly, the PRESIDENT, just kept it real. I'd believe in Bush if he announced on national TV that the United States is in a shitty place right now and he'll try and make it better. I'd like for him to tell me that what's going on in Iraq was a mistake - he fucked up - but he'll try to clean up his mess. I'd like for him to tell me that the stock market being so unstable is a problem that revolves around a recession around the corner and he's not sure if they market will become stable. I'd like for him to tell me that the genocide going on in Sudan with Darfur is so unbearably bad - the UN isn't going to end up doing shit and these murderers will never get caught.

Harsh, yes. But at least I'll know the motherfucker is keeping it real.

I'm so sick of lies. I used to love to lie. I'd like about my dick size (I used to tell people it was fourteen inches long and that my Jewish roots are Ethiopian.) I'd lie about how talented I am (which you can clearly judge by my writing that I'm not.) And I'd lie about how poor I am (Any Gold-Diggin' hotties out there who like wannabe writers with black framed glasses - I'm rich bitch.)

But I saw how boring and pathetic it is to lie. I found out how boring it is to try and rationalize everything in this world by pretending to be happy twenty-four hours a day. I just decided that I would say things the way this average “Joe” sees them.

No need to impress here. What you see today is what you’ll see in two weeks.

It's okay to think things just aren't great. But, fucking say it. If I ask you how you're doing - tell me shitty. I just wish the world could take some of that advice - because we wouldn't be such a fucking paranoid place if the truth were just told - instead of everyone acting like his or her own spin-doctor.

By the way - if you ever have a chance - check out "Debbie Downer" from Saturday Night Live. Maybe the best skit ever - and most realistic.

Here is a skit from Debbie Downer. Enjoy.



Keep it real. Don't spin the truth. Fuck the optimism. We're all going down in this shit together, anyway.

10 reasons to love DIABLO CODY

For those of you who don't know who Diablo Cody is - well, you're a fuckwad. She's deadly with her wit - even better with her writing. She's the storyteller behind "JUNO," which came out yesterday in NYC and L.A. She also penned "Candy Girl - A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper."


I'm going to state reasons 10 reasons why DIABLO CODY is the shit.

1.) She's a writer. I'm a writer. We're both probably eccentric. And that name. It's just hot. My name is Daniel Harris Baer - so lame - Fuckin' Jewish parents.
2.) She has a tattoo. Chicks with tattoos are hot. I wanted to get one - but I'm Jewish. Poor me.
3.) She has beautiful eyes.
4.) She started off as a blogger - and now she's blowing up. That is a huge middle finger to the FOOTBALL JOCK who made fun of people using the Internet in High School. How's flipping burgers you steroid fuck?
5.) She's a good type of feminism. Not the man hating, rip your dick off kind.
6.) She isn't pretentious.
7.) She was a stripper. But not the fake-looking type. And it was something she didn't just aspire to do. It was like my aspirations to work in a Porn shop.
8.) She has the face of a 1940's type Starlet.
9.) She uses words like porksword. I use words like cumdumpster. Either way, both articulate forms of the two.
10.) Writer's are the freakiest types of people. We ain't no suits in the sack. Once you go writer - you ain't never going back.

Here is a clip of how to be witty.



COMING SOON - TOP 10 MANNEQUINS YOU'D LIKE TO FUCK...