AFRICAN AMERICAN ARRESTED FOR BEING AFRICAN AMERICAN
Written By Daniel Harris Baer
St. Paul, MN – An African American male, Duke Ellington III, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with being black inside the Xcel Energy Center during the Republican National Convention. Ellington, a John McCain supporter, is an elected delegate hailing from Florida.
“I came to support my nominee,” he said. “But before I could get to the Florida area of the arena – seventeen cops and Texans tackled me, tasered me and put me in handcuffs.”
Ellington, a High School Principal and father of three, is being held on a ten million dollar bail.
Quickly after being tackled, the three major news networks, MSNBC, CNN and Fox News obtained amateur footage of the incident.
The footage obtained shows Ellington walking down the aisle in the lower bowl of the arena posing no threat before he brutally gets accosted by members of the Republican Party security.
Said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, “The black guy posed a huge threat to the events of the night. Judging from what I saw – he looked like he was getting ready to go on a pick-pocketing spree of the hard-working and honest people of the party.”
Ellington’s lawyer, Lionel Smith, is countering O’Reilly’s claims with proof that his client is a registered Republican delegate and had every right to be there to support his candidate.
O’Reilly responded, “I know black folks real well because I drive by the projects every day on my way to work. And that guy was not an elected Republican delegate. Jesus, we don’t allow black people to even be elected delegates. Wait – this better be off the record.”
Both MSNBC and CNN condemned the acts as racially motivated violence.
Unable to afford to post bail, Ellington remains behind bars in the St. Paul region as a high-risk terrorist threat.
“I just wanted to show the nation that an African-American can support a Republican,” Ellington said. “I didn’t realize that I’d be arrested for just being black.”
When notified about the incident, Governor of Alaska and Vice-Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin replied, “Racism is not a man-made problem. It’s a punishment from God and for those who do not follow the beliefs of creationism.”
Presidential Nominee John McCain refused to comment, but his campaign released the following statement: “The Maverick John McCain is an American Hero who was tortured in a prison camp for five years. That’s some straight talk for you!”
*This story is for entertainment only. The names are used for satirical purposes only.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
November 5, 2012 (EVE OF ELECTION
Exaggerated by Daniel Harris Baer
This is a summary in our future if John McCain is elected President of the United States.
November 5, 2012
It’s the night before the Presidential election, and John McCain is not in the race. He was a one-term President and Sarah Palin is the Republican Nominee.
This is the status of the United States:
- On November 4, 2009, President John McCain’s conservative Supreme Court overturned Roe V. Wade and abortion became forbidden by law. With Vice President Palin perseverance – not even rape or incest provides just cause for abortion.
- The return of the Cold War: The United States invaded Russia on April 16, 2009. After three years of fighting – President McCain promises that the surge is beginning to work.
- Osama Bin Laden is still at large. McCain kept soldiers returning to Iraq for sixth and seventh tour of duties. Meanwhile, and ignoring a Democratic Majority in the House – McCain vetoes any attempt to focus the attention on Pakistan and Afghanistan.
- With three wars going on in Iraq, Iran and Russia, alongside the constant problems in Pakistan and Afghanistan – McCain reenlisted the use of a draft due to a depleted army.
- Soldiers who died defending the United States – 21,504 and counting…
- Average winter temperature in New York City – 59 degrees.
- Seven major hurricanes made impact on US land in 2011.
- Vice President Sarah Palin still deems hurricanes as an act from God.
- Religion (Christian) taught in public schools.
- Economy: In 2009, we entered a recession. By 2011, the United States market had crashed and we entered a time comparable to 1929 and the beginning of the Great Depression. McCain kept giving massive tax cuts to the rich and the poor became bankrupt. The housing market crashed, gas peaked at $8.29 a gallon and the average income is down $6,000 from the previous Presidency under George W. Bush.
- India and China are now the economic powers of the world because of outsourcing.
- North Korea began making serious nuclear threats in 2010. McCain thinks an attack is in the future.
- Israel is no longer one of the United States biggest allies. Vice President Sarah Palin continues to scold Israel’s conflict with Palestine as a punishment from God.
- Federal deficit: 790 billion in 2012 – up from 490 billion in 2008.
- They "Drilled Now," and our natural resources in Alaska and the Florida Everglades are becoming scarce and we're still dependent on foreign oil.
- Polar Bears are extinct.
- Same-sex marriages, as well as Unions: Banned in 2009.
- Former President George W. Bush now known as the second worst President of all time.
This is a summary in our future if John McCain is elected President of the United States.
November 5, 2012
It’s the night before the Presidential election, and John McCain is not in the race. He was a one-term President and Sarah Palin is the Republican Nominee.
This is the status of the United States:
- On November 4, 2009, President John McCain’s conservative Supreme Court overturned Roe V. Wade and abortion became forbidden by law. With Vice President Palin perseverance – not even rape or incest provides just cause for abortion.
- The return of the Cold War: The United States invaded Russia on April 16, 2009. After three years of fighting – President McCain promises that the surge is beginning to work.
- Osama Bin Laden is still at large. McCain kept soldiers returning to Iraq for sixth and seventh tour of duties. Meanwhile, and ignoring a Democratic Majority in the House – McCain vetoes any attempt to focus the attention on Pakistan and Afghanistan.
- With three wars going on in Iraq, Iran and Russia, alongside the constant problems in Pakistan and Afghanistan – McCain reenlisted the use of a draft due to a depleted army.
- Soldiers who died defending the United States – 21,504 and counting…
- Average winter temperature in New York City – 59 degrees.
- Seven major hurricanes made impact on US land in 2011.
- Vice President Sarah Palin still deems hurricanes as an act from God.
- Religion (Christian) taught in public schools.
- Economy: In 2009, we entered a recession. By 2011, the United States market had crashed and we entered a time comparable to 1929 and the beginning of the Great Depression. McCain kept giving massive tax cuts to the rich and the poor became bankrupt. The housing market crashed, gas peaked at $8.29 a gallon and the average income is down $6,000 from the previous Presidency under George W. Bush.
- India and China are now the economic powers of the world because of outsourcing.
- North Korea began making serious nuclear threats in 2010. McCain thinks an attack is in the future.
- Israel is no longer one of the United States biggest allies. Vice President Sarah Palin continues to scold Israel’s conflict with Palestine as a punishment from God.
- Federal deficit: 790 billion in 2012 – up from 490 billion in 2008.
- They "Drilled Now," and our natural resources in Alaska and the Florida Everglades are becoming scarce and we're still dependent on foreign oil.
- Polar Bears are extinct.
- Same-sex marriages, as well as Unions: Banned in 2009.
- Former President George W. Bush now known as the second worst President of all time.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Dog Days teaser trailer
Here is the teaser trailer of Dog Days, a DOGumentary I'm working on. More to come soon. Enjoy.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Starbucks EQUALS STARFUCKS
The funny thing about the title of this blog is I'm sitting in a Starbucks right now writing this.
I'm a walking contradiction.
Part of the advantage of living in New York City is the overkill of coffee shops. However, in the overly pretentious area of New York City I live in we called the Upper East Side, ala, old money, Starbucks rules supreme.
Hence, why I'm writing in a Starbucks. I need somewhere to write. I can't sit in my apartment and get any sort of dialogue on paper, err, laptop. I live in a room with Craigslist furniture, a used bed, no dresser but I do have a Plasma television (which I'm still paying off...)
I will watch intelligence killer shows like "I love New York" or "Flav of Love" over and over. I am slowing retarding.
I should probably consider prostituting myself on Craigslist to pay off that fucking television. Or I will strip for women for $17 an hour (plus you'll receive a signed copy of my latest script...Which will probably decrease my hourly value.)
So I sit in this fake cafe' with men in suits conversing by phone with someone else about business or leisure. And I watch mothers forcing their children to sit, miserably, while they drink coffee and chat on a phone with a friend.
What happened to the point of a coffee shop? A coffee shop is a great place to sit and talk with friends, employees, anyone. Now a days, a coffee shop serves no real purpose. The CEO of Starbucks should consider making it an outdoor, wait in line, type of coffee stop, not shop.
Maybe I'm just jaded on the whole Starbucks phenomenon. I don't even like the coffee here. It tastes like dirt and smells like a burning soiled diaper.
It's truly amazing how a small coffee shop is becoming a dying breed because of Starfucks. The Bucks' baristas usually have no personality. They'll never remember you. They just try to rush you out as fast as you come in. There is always a line. And, if I order a drink with brown sugar - I have to go and bring it to them.
I hate you Starbucks. I hate you so much. I hate everything about you.
I am going to list the three BEST coffee shops in New York City.
Pick Me Up Cafe (Between 9th-10th St. Avenue A - East Village)
B-Cup Cafe (13th St. Avenue B - East Village)
Java Girl (66th St, 1st Avenue - Upper East Side)
Try one of those places out. I promise you'll have a better experience and better coffee over Starbucks. And you won't have to stare at some old sexless woman getting off on reading a Danielle Steele novel.
I'm a walking contradiction.
Part of the advantage of living in New York City is the overkill of coffee shops. However, in the overly pretentious area of New York City I live in we called the Upper East Side, ala, old money, Starbucks rules supreme.
Hence, why I'm writing in a Starbucks. I need somewhere to write. I can't sit in my apartment and get any sort of dialogue on paper, err, laptop. I live in a room with Craigslist furniture, a used bed, no dresser but I do have a Plasma television (which I'm still paying off...)
I will watch intelligence killer shows like "I love New York" or "Flav of Love" over and over. I am slowing retarding.
I should probably consider prostituting myself on Craigslist to pay off that fucking television. Or I will strip for women for $17 an hour (plus you'll receive a signed copy of my latest script...Which will probably decrease my hourly value.)
So I sit in this fake cafe' with men in suits conversing by phone with someone else about business or leisure. And I watch mothers forcing their children to sit, miserably, while they drink coffee and chat on a phone with a friend.
What happened to the point of a coffee shop? A coffee shop is a great place to sit and talk with friends, employees, anyone. Now a days, a coffee shop serves no real purpose. The CEO of Starbucks should consider making it an outdoor, wait in line, type of coffee stop, not shop.
Maybe I'm just jaded on the whole Starbucks phenomenon. I don't even like the coffee here. It tastes like dirt and smells like a burning soiled diaper.
It's truly amazing how a small coffee shop is becoming a dying breed because of Starfucks. The Bucks' baristas usually have no personality. They'll never remember you. They just try to rush you out as fast as you come in. There is always a line. And, if I order a drink with brown sugar - I have to go and bring it to them.
I hate you Starbucks. I hate you so much. I hate everything about you.
I am going to list the three BEST coffee shops in New York City.
Pick Me Up Cafe (Between 9th-10th St. Avenue A - East Village)
B-Cup Cafe (13th St. Avenue B - East Village)
Java Girl (66th St, 1st Avenue - Upper East Side)
Try one of those places out. I promise you'll have a better experience and better coffee over Starbucks. And you won't have to stare at some old sexless woman getting off on reading a Danielle Steele novel.
Best song to listen to while doing something illegal
BEST SONG AND VIDEO EVER TO LISTEN TO WHILE DOING ILLEGAL.
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