Some Oldies PRE-New York SHITTY

Here is my Ode to Valentine's Day. Enjoy.

Dear Acquaintances (I hate almost all of my friends - hence the reference)

My goal in writing my latest mass blog to random people is to ruin Valentines Day. Or what it really means in db terminology - The Day of Catching Incurable Herpes. Valentines Day is upon us and the countdown for cupid to shoot an arrow is rapidly winding down. If you haven't found that star-crossed lover yet, Cupid has already forgotten about you and there is a good chance that you'll end dying alone for the rest of your natural life, living miserably with a bunch of smelly cats addicted to catnip - counting down the days until your death.

Don't worry - being happy is overrated. And sitting alone on Valentines Day is actually pretty fun. While everyone is on dates and experiencing having that glorious first kiss with the bright light of that full moon, you are sitting at home snorting chocolate like it's cocaine and looking in the mirror wondering why - if you're a man - you're growing man-boobs or if you're a woman - why your tits are sagging slightly. And there is nothing wrong with rationalizing in your head that Valentines Day is just another dumb Hallmark Card holiday - except for everything you're trying to rationalize. Let's be honest about Valentines Day - some hard facts about the holiday. Did you know that Valentines Day was started by Saddam Hussein? Yes, this is no lie. A man who has murdered thousands and thousands of people started the holiday. Personally, do you feel okay with celebrating a holiday started by Saddam?

I know I don't. And if you do celebrate V-Day, just know that you hate America. For me, the patriotic thing to do on Valentines Day is to go out, meet a girl/guy and have unprotected sex and try to get someone pregnant and never speak to them again. That is showing America that you didn't support Saddam. Here are a few other suggestions to support America on Valentines Day.

1.) Invite a girl/guy on a date and NEVER show up.
2.) Spread a STD knowingly to a partner without telling them.
3.) Rub Garlic on your genital region for 10 minutes.
4.) Bring he/she to Subway and go DUTCH.
5.) Make jokes to a guy that you could never be with a man with a small penis. And keep referring to Jewish males and the stereotype that their weiners are tiny. (JEWPAC EXCLUDED)
6.) Make racist jokes.
7.) If it's a first date - make sure to ask he/she how many people they've slept with. And if you're asking - after a number is said - cringe in disgust.
8.) Talk about how fun it is to blog on MYSPACE. (Only a real fucking loser would post a blog on MYSPACE.) - Whoops - te he he and LOL (insert horrific and annoying AOL lingo laugh.)

Those are surely great ways to ruin Valentines Day - err - support America.

But I digress.

So - you're reading this e-mail and wondering - DB sounds like he's not doing anything on V-Day - so he's just trying to bum us out. Incorrect. I went onto CraigsList and answered an AD from a girl with irritable bowel syndrome. We hit it off and I made plans to go to the finest Mexican restaurant in south Florida. In retrospect, taking a girl with irritable bowel syndrome to a Mexican restaurant was probably not a smart idea - but I can't imagine anything more amusing than a girl holding in poopy on Valentines Day. The fucking look on her face will be priceless. Am I evil? No. I love my country so I will ruin this girls life for America.

Call me Captain Fucking America.

If this date fails, I have a backup date who suffers from Chronic Halitosis. She has informed me that her hands are constantly sweaty. Now most people would be grossed out by that - by you have to look at this from a positive perspective - she'd probably give a great hand job.

After my date - I will go to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. That is the best place in the world to pick up a chick. I am debt free and 24 - to these women - I am Donald Fucking Trump. I splash on a little Old Spice and I'm money. No pun intended. Also, if you're a man/woman using this idea - the MOST important thing is to use a friends name when you're trying to pick up a man/woman at a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I usually use my friend Ross Baron's name. This way - if anything bad happens, your friends life will be ruined - not yours. And I welcome everyone to use Ross Baron's name.

In the end - Valentines Day sucks. And every Valentines Day card that you send out - remember this FACT - those cards are made in sweat shops. Even the fucking Snoopy one. I hope the card is worth it because it will cost a little innocent child an education and happy life.

Happy Valentines Day.

I'm DB, and I'm just trying to ruin one holiday at a time.

Next Holiday to ruin: A Friends Birthday.

Cheers,
DB