Coffee equals loads of MASTURBATION

Coffee is the greatest invention in the world. Coffee has become the newest and easiest form of social interaction. Honestly, I don't know where my life would be without coffee.

There is a good chance I'd be homeless. Or unemployed. Or a criminal.

I think back pre-summer 2005 and cringe at the thought that I didn't drink coffee. In fact, I thought it would stunt my growth and stain my teeth. I was the anti-christ of coffee lovers. But everything changed in a matter of moments in Italy.

I was with four friends traveling Europe and pleaded with them to get me addicted to something. Drugs, Hookers or robbing poor people were my original preferences. However, they decided to pick coffee.

And at a small cafe, I got my first taste of the most wonderful drink in the world. It wasn't too strong, but it was strong enough to wake me up.

Wake me up out of this horrible nightmare. A world without coffee. A world not worth waking up in. A world without me writing his pathetic blog at 5:31 a.m.

What have I been missing throughout these miserable 24 first years of my life? It was incredible. The soft trickle of grinded coffee beans gliding down your throat like a happy child sliding down a slip n' slide. It was so easy. I fell in love.

I became asexual. I no longer needed women. I had coffee. My only goal was being the best coffee drinker alive in the world. So I trained. And trained hard. It started off with one cup a day. But that was child's play. I went to sleep early, woke up early and stretched. I had to do this so I could focus on the coffee. I had to sample every flavor. I had to sample every coffee drink. I had to live my life like I may only get one more chance to drink coffee. No more holding back.

I had to live in the moment. I had to buy coffee color sheets and a matching comforter. I had to shower with coffee beans (not grinded.) I had to paint my walls the color of a Latte. I filled my mattress with grinded coffee. I had to rinse my mouth with coffee. I had to quench my thirst after jogging with an ice coffee. I even legally changed my middle name to "Starbucks." It was the most incredible experience.

I even attempted to prove that I'm a biological relative of Kiva Han, who opened the world's first coffee shop. However, I was denied my claim by someone who was drinking green tea. Go figure.

But in order to fully understand why I loved coffee so much, I had to go on a pilgrimage to Africa. I tended sheep, just like the O.G.'s of coffee did. I went to Ethopia and walked the plains. I felt a sign. I felt what they must have felt. I dreamed of coffee hurricanes and coffee tornados.

I came home and heard that a long time ago - Coffee was believed by some Christians to be the devil's drink. I was appauled - but realized I'm Jewish - so I didn't really give a fuck.

I have dedicated the rest of my life to coffee. I go around to local elementary schools and speak to children about drinking coffee. We need to get the younger generation more involved. No more water - no more milk (unless used in coffee, and sparingly.) Also, coffee cures every disease. I've never had one - but I read it on "MasturbateToCoffee.com." It is also a proven fact that coffee will ELIMINATE global warming and rid the world of starvation.

So - take that sip of coffee and realize you're making your life better. You're probably even saving your own life. I've even finished my next script entitled "El Cafe." The script is a love story between a man and his coffee. It gets really interesting when his wife (bitch) threatens to leave him if he doesn't change to Tea. The climax of the movie occurs when the man murders his wife and has a doctor perform an operation to pump coffee through his veins instead of blood. He then becomes President of the United States and sends everyone who drinks Tea to Yemin to be castrated. It's a beautiful love story.

I hope this inspires you to drink coffee. The world moves at a fast pace - join me on the EXPRESSO train.