That was a quote by the most famous, alluringly radiant and pulchritudinous scientist I know - Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown, who by the way – invented the TIME MACHINE! But in actuality, where my friends (Iceman, Nitro and Bob) and I did go – we surely did need roads. You may wonder what in the name of the mythological Minotaur am I talking about?
And no – I’m not talking about how I once traveled from Manhattan to Brooklyn to witness a friend actually knock out Mike Tyson – first round, UPPER CUT, JAB, UPPER CUT, in Tyson’s Punch Out (greatest game ever!) Or beat Contra without using the cheating code. Contra’s a war zone, friends.
But I digress.
I’m only talking about the most exciting road trip (courtesy of Greyhound) in the history of historical histories.
I’m talking about a road trip to the STATE OF THE UNION. Curtail the excitement please. My fingers are shaking as I type this…
Suddenly, I’m hyperventilating in a brown paper bag.
First – before entering the bus – we had to go through our checklist for this trip.
1.) Condoms – CHECK
2.) Alcohol – CHECK
3.) SHROOMS – DOUBLE CHECK
4.) Head Shot of Nancy Pelosi - CHECKMATE
These are necessities for a State of the Union – for tailgating, of course.
Secondly, we had to get our posters ready for some celebrity signatures. Forget Tom Cruise, Zac Efron, Brad Pitt, the dude from Slumdog Millionaire or any ‘Hollywood’ folk. I’m talking about getting me some Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, House Majority Leader Steny H. Hoyer and if we’re lucky – I mean LOTTO lucky – getting Freshman Rep. Jared Polis – a new hottie Democrat from Colorado.
Most of you would question – why not get Obama’s autograph? And I’ll answer – he’s old news now. FIVE WEEKS – PUH-LEASE. Give me a little Rep. Earl Blumenauer from Oregon and that’ll be the cherry on top of my State of the Union Sundae.
By the time we arrived at our destination, the shrooms were kicking in, hallucinations of Nancy Pelosi speaking to me in Yiddish were apparent and the alcohol had reached the point of poisoning. We stepped off the bus, condom wrappers open and placed on point (just in case opportunity presented itself) and the party was just about to begin.
We put our lawn chairs down, cracked open a cold beer and waited for the hoards of people to start arriving.
After fifteen minutes, and a tumbleweed blowing through the dirt field, we started freaking out – like ‘Requiem for a Dream’ freaking out. We asked a local man when the tailgating would start for the State of the Union.
He didn’t know what were we talking about. So, I grabbed his stained collar, kicked him in the pelvis, got up in his face and spit out words of disgust.
And then a voice, maybe God, maybe the narrator from ‘Field of Dreams’ or possibly James Earl Jones, came from above and told us something interesting.
“You are in Centralia, Pennsylvania.”
Confused, we didn’t know what to do. Stuck, lost and scared – we did the only thing three dudes on shrooms, with condoms on and alcohol poisoning would do…
We hopped on the saddle of a Minotaur and rode back into the sunset - bound for Manhattan.
*This was for entertainment purposes only. A Minotaur does not really exist. Drugs are illegal and wrong. And, although a possibility, I do not think anyone would tailgate for the State of the Union.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Ten Things to do WHILST watching the Oscars
The 81st Annual Academy Awards have come and gone…and since the ceremony seemed to move like a slow and agonizing death – akin to a death by way of falling down a mountain top hitting each jagged edge, cliff by cliff, until you hit the bottom four hours later – I decided to come up with ten things comparable to watching the 2009 Oscars.
1.) Find a bunch of rocks and start a collection.
2.) Name each rock in that collection, i.e. Pedro, Susan, Little Pedro, Big Susan, etc.
3.) Make your bed sixteen different ways. Take a picture of each said way. Post it on Facebook. Update your status.
4.) Planning your funeral.
5.) Trying to pet a pregnant raccoon.
6.) Hanging out with Dawson Leery (Douchebag from Dawson’s Creek.)
7.) Witnessing the birth of a Minotaur.
8.) Playing ‘The Legend of Zelda’ alone, in the mountains – where shit gets freaky.
9.) Hanging out with Joaquin Phoenix and Dawson Leery on a loveseat, in a studio apartment, on the 8th floor, with no elevator, stairs or exits – for eternity.
10.) Having a conjugal visit with a serial killer.
1.) Find a bunch of rocks and start a collection.
2.) Name each rock in that collection, i.e. Pedro, Susan, Little Pedro, Big Susan, etc.
3.) Make your bed sixteen different ways. Take a picture of each said way. Post it on Facebook. Update your status.
4.) Planning your funeral.
5.) Trying to pet a pregnant raccoon.
6.) Hanging out with Dawson Leery (Douchebag from Dawson’s Creek.)
7.) Witnessing the birth of a Minotaur.
8.) Playing ‘The Legend of Zelda’ alone, in the mountains – where shit gets freaky.
9.) Hanging out with Joaquin Phoenix and Dawson Leery on a loveseat, in a studio apartment, on the 8th floor, with no elevator, stairs or exits – for eternity.
10.) Having a conjugal visit with a serial killer.
Zac Efron contemplates HEAD SHAVE MAY end the WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
“I can’t handle the paparazzi. They’re everywhere.” And later, while talking about traveling the world, Zac Efron added, “Maybe I’d shave my head to try and go incognito? Yeah, that’s what I’d do.”
And I was bothered by this curse, misfortune, evil eye, spell, whammy and bugaboo Zac Efron must endure on a daily basis. Why lord, WHY? So bothered, in fact, I went into a New York City diner and put down a whole plate of Mac N’ Cheese in forty-seven seconds.
But then my lactose intolerance subsided. And I saw my hideous shut of a face in the reflection of my empty plate. And then I thought, DUDE?
Zac Efron – are we supposed to feel sympathy for you? Millions of girls grovel for you daily. Money is not an issue. And in this economic crisis – that is what you’re thinking about? About shaving your head?
But if you do shave your head – you know what you’ll look like?
Insert courtesy drum roll…
You’ll look like ZAC EFRON with a shaved head. If you really want to avoid the paparazzi – I suggest you have drastic plastic surgery and remodel your face to look like mine. (Note to Zac: I haven’t had a date in five months.)
And I say ‘Dude’ again! (Insert ANGER in my DUDE.)
Any girlfriend, wife, friend with benefit, penpal, inmate correspondence, teacher or third cousin (not by blood) I ever have would cheat on me with you.
But, Zac is human, and I will sympathize with him. As I left the diner, a homeless man asked me for some change. Empty pockets and all, I offered this homeless man some advice – you know, keeping it real, homey.
I said, “Hey homeless dude. It could always be worse. You could be Zac Efron!”
He smiled at me, and we had our moment. And then he spit on my shoe.
And I was bothered by this curse, misfortune, evil eye, spell, whammy and bugaboo Zac Efron must endure on a daily basis. Why lord, WHY? So bothered, in fact, I went into a New York City diner and put down a whole plate of Mac N’ Cheese in forty-seven seconds.
But then my lactose intolerance subsided. And I saw my hideous shut of a face in the reflection of my empty plate. And then I thought, DUDE?
Zac Efron – are we supposed to feel sympathy for you? Millions of girls grovel for you daily. Money is not an issue. And in this economic crisis – that is what you’re thinking about? About shaving your head?
But if you do shave your head – you know what you’ll look like?
Insert courtesy drum roll…
You’ll look like ZAC EFRON with a shaved head. If you really want to avoid the paparazzi – I suggest you have drastic plastic surgery and remodel your face to look like mine. (Note to Zac: I haven’t had a date in five months.)
And I say ‘Dude’ again! (Insert ANGER in my DUDE.)
Any girlfriend, wife, friend with benefit, penpal, inmate correspondence, teacher or third cousin (not by blood) I ever have would cheat on me with you.
But, Zac is human, and I will sympathize with him. As I left the diner, a homeless man asked me for some change. Empty pockets and all, I offered this homeless man some advice – you know, keeping it real, homey.
I said, “Hey homeless dude. It could always be worse. You could be Zac Efron!”
He smiled at me, and we had our moment. And then he spit on my shoe.
National Lampoon
I've become a blogger over at National Lampoon. So when I post something over there - I'll post the same shit over here. Thanks, and love me.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The Maverick is Newest Viagra Spokesman
The Maverick is Newest Viagra Spokesman
Written by Daniel Harris Baer
NEW YORK CITY, NY – Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain has officially signed up to be the newest spokesman for Viagra.
At age 72, Senator John McCain has come under fire from numerous adult Web sites claiming he can no longer achieve an erection.
“At his age and lack of exercise – there is no way for him to get around the limp noodle,” said porn star Danny Lane. “It just doesn’t seem possible and I think it’s apparent from his temperament.”
And Danny Lane, most notably known for his Guinness Book of World Record of the longest known achieved erection of twenty-six hours, is not the only one questioning his bout with erectile dysfunction.
Questions’ surrounding Cindy McCain’s stint with depression and drug use stemming from the early 90’s has been linked to a lack of sex. Cindy McCain's addiction was outed when it was found she stole prescription drugs from a charity she directed and used them while mothering four young children.
All of this could have been avoided if John McCain was able to achieve an erection. Instead, he chose politics and his wife suffered.
Local black-market drug dealer, Darren McDouble, agreed that a little sex could have been deterrence from her addiction.
“I know bitches that don’t get the dick,” he said. “I got me some bitches that get mad at me when I drink a little too much of that Hennessey cognac and they get sad. Ho’s get mad.”
McDouble offered his services to McCain’s wife.
“If my shit could make her feel good – I’m all about it,” McDouble added. “She’s only a one-bagger in my book.”
After reports surrounding McCain’s signing with Viagra – GLADD spokesman Donald Suggs released a statement.
“Today is a day I wish I wasn’t gay,” Suggs said. “The thought of John McCain naked with those wrinkly balls makes me wish I liked women.”
Contrary to Suggs opinion, Viagra is extremely happy with today’s signing of their newest leading man.
“Viagra couldn’t picture a greater Maverick in American society to be featured on all of products. With John McCain able to achieve an erection after years of the inability to perform – this is a proud day to be an American.”
News of his use of Viagra was confirmed when John McCain switched parties and became a Democrat and flip-flopped and condemned the surge in Iraq.
“People should just get along,” McCain said. “Women should get equal pay, abortions should remain legal, the war in Iraq was wrong, we shouldn’t drill our natural resources, tax cuts for the middle class, a better energy policy to combat global warming and civil unions and marriages for same-sex couples should be legal immediately.”
*This is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Written by Daniel Harris Baer
NEW YORK CITY, NY – Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain has officially signed up to be the newest spokesman for Viagra.
At age 72, Senator John McCain has come under fire from numerous adult Web sites claiming he can no longer achieve an erection.
“At his age and lack of exercise – there is no way for him to get around the limp noodle,” said porn star Danny Lane. “It just doesn’t seem possible and I think it’s apparent from his temperament.”
And Danny Lane, most notably known for his Guinness Book of World Record of the longest known achieved erection of twenty-six hours, is not the only one questioning his bout with erectile dysfunction.
Questions’ surrounding Cindy McCain’s stint with depression and drug use stemming from the early 90’s has been linked to a lack of sex. Cindy McCain's addiction was outed when it was found she stole prescription drugs from a charity she directed and used them while mothering four young children.
All of this could have been avoided if John McCain was able to achieve an erection. Instead, he chose politics and his wife suffered.
Local black-market drug dealer, Darren McDouble, agreed that a little sex could have been deterrence from her addiction.
“I know bitches that don’t get the dick,” he said. “I got me some bitches that get mad at me when I drink a little too much of that Hennessey cognac and they get sad. Ho’s get mad.”
McDouble offered his services to McCain’s wife.
“If my shit could make her feel good – I’m all about it,” McDouble added. “She’s only a one-bagger in my book.”
After reports surrounding McCain’s signing with Viagra – GLADD spokesman Donald Suggs released a statement.
“Today is a day I wish I wasn’t gay,” Suggs said. “The thought of John McCain naked with those wrinkly balls makes me wish I liked women.”
Contrary to Suggs opinion, Viagra is extremely happy with today’s signing of their newest leading man.
“Viagra couldn’t picture a greater Maverick in American society to be featured on all of products. With John McCain able to achieve an erection after years of the inability to perform – this is a proud day to be an American.”
News of his use of Viagra was confirmed when John McCain switched parties and became a Democrat and flip-flopped and condemned the surge in Iraq.
“People should just get along,” McCain said. “Women should get equal pay, abortions should remain legal, the war in Iraq was wrong, we shouldn’t drill our natural resources, tax cuts for the middle class, a better energy policy to combat global warming and civil unions and marriages for same-sex couples should be legal immediately.”
*This is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
REPUBLICANS EQUATE INDIVIDUALITY WITH ABNORMALITY
REPUBLICANS EQUATE INDIVIDUALITY WITH ABNORMALITY
WRITTEN BY DANIEL HARRIS BAER
DAYTON, OH – A week after Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain ended his nomination acceptance speech with the repeated phrase of fight – more so, fight for the oppressed – a young Republican took action.
William Russo III, a McCain supporter from Dayton, took his message of fighting for the oppressed to a Gay Pride parade.
“I was so inspired by McCain telling me to fight for the oppressed,” Russo said. “I used to think the Gay’s would want to have sex with me if we ever crossed paths. So, I decided to help the Gay’s at a rally and help the Maverick with his message.”
Russo did go to the parade – but the message of fighting for the oppressed did not.
After fifteen minutes, Russo was attacked by a group of fifteen anti-gay protestors.
“I don’t remember much – like, I kind of blacked out,” Russo said. “I can only recall being punched in the nuts seven or eight times and falling to the ground.”
After the attack, Russo was immediately taken to a local hospital where he’ll remain for more testing.
After the fighting ensued, cops quickly ended the parade and arrested four men referred to as “the Disciples of Palin or a Palintologist.”
One of these so-called disciples or Palintologist, Henry Huck, 24, claims Sarah Palin spoke to him through telepathy and God.
“I was told by God and Sarah Palin to go to this parade and convert a Gay into a normal person,” he said. “When our leader told us to fight for the oppressed – he was telling us to fight the gay disease. He was pleading with us to rip it out of them at any cost.”
When news of this event spread in Ohio, which is considered by pundits to be the most important battleground state to win in the upcoming election, Republicans and Democrats stormed in from every county and conjugated in front of the Columbus Capital Building and a riot esculated.
After seven hours of fighting, various news organizations are reporting forty deaths, with an additional sixty people critically injured.
Robert Dwayne, a registered Republican from Cleveland, took his five-year-old son to the capital.
“I ain’t letting my son grow up to get the gay disease,” he spit. “He’s becoming a man and needs to fight for what is right in the eyes of God.”
His five-year-old, Matthew, was taken to the hospital with a collapsed lung.
“He’s a tough kid,” Dwayne added. “He’ll suck it up and learn to avoid a gay punch.”
Both campaigns released statements after the riots had halted.
“We are sad to see violence erupt over a parade to celebrate someone’s individuality,” an Obama Spokesman stated. “We hope Americans can put their differences aside to focus, and unite as one country to move forward together.”
The McCain camp responded saying, “John McCain is a Maverick and lived side-by-side with men in the five years he spent as a POW in Vietnam.”
*This is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
WRITTEN BY DANIEL HARRIS BAER
DAYTON, OH – A week after Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain ended his nomination acceptance speech with the repeated phrase of fight – more so, fight for the oppressed – a young Republican took action.
William Russo III, a McCain supporter from Dayton, took his message of fighting for the oppressed to a Gay Pride parade.
“I was so inspired by McCain telling me to fight for the oppressed,” Russo said. “I used to think the Gay’s would want to have sex with me if we ever crossed paths. So, I decided to help the Gay’s at a rally and help the Maverick with his message.”
Russo did go to the parade – but the message of fighting for the oppressed did not.
After fifteen minutes, Russo was attacked by a group of fifteen anti-gay protestors.
“I don’t remember much – like, I kind of blacked out,” Russo said. “I can only recall being punched in the nuts seven or eight times and falling to the ground.”
After the attack, Russo was immediately taken to a local hospital where he’ll remain for more testing.
After the fighting ensued, cops quickly ended the parade and arrested four men referred to as “the Disciples of Palin or a Palintologist.”
One of these so-called disciples or Palintologist, Henry Huck, 24, claims Sarah Palin spoke to him through telepathy and God.
“I was told by God and Sarah Palin to go to this parade and convert a Gay into a normal person,” he said. “When our leader told us to fight for the oppressed – he was telling us to fight the gay disease. He was pleading with us to rip it out of them at any cost.”
When news of this event spread in Ohio, which is considered by pundits to be the most important battleground state to win in the upcoming election, Republicans and Democrats stormed in from every county and conjugated in front of the Columbus Capital Building and a riot esculated.
After seven hours of fighting, various news organizations are reporting forty deaths, with an additional sixty people critically injured.
Robert Dwayne, a registered Republican from Cleveland, took his five-year-old son to the capital.
“I ain’t letting my son grow up to get the gay disease,” he spit. “He’s becoming a man and needs to fight for what is right in the eyes of God.”
His five-year-old, Matthew, was taken to the hospital with a collapsed lung.
“He’s a tough kid,” Dwayne added. “He’ll suck it up and learn to avoid a gay punch.”
Both campaigns released statements after the riots had halted.
“We are sad to see violence erupt over a parade to celebrate someone’s individuality,” an Obama Spokesman stated. “We hope Americans can put their differences aside to focus, and unite as one country to move forward together.”
The McCain camp responded saying, “John McCain is a Maverick and lived side-by-side with men in the five years he spent as a POW in Vietnam.”
*This is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
GIULIANI SUED BY FORMER COMB OVER
GIULIANI SUED BY FORMER COMB OVER
Written by Daniel Harris Baer
St. Paul, MN – Former Mayor of New York City Rudolph Giuliani gave a strong speech Wednesday night in front of 45,000 cheering Republicans. However, his speech was partially interrupted for five minutes during jeers of mockery from the former Mayor’s comb over.
“When I was covering the right part of the head – he seemed more normal. I was the rational part of his head,” Guiliani’s comb over said. “Now that he just brushes me all the way to the back – his political views have changed and he’s become a war monger.”
Guiliani’s comb over added that it’s decided to file suit against the former Mayor's right side of his head seeking some sort of two-party politics between Guiliani.
“When we were in office, I was more of the Democrat and he was more of the conservative,” the comb over claimed. “But now he’s not compromising and is just trying to brush me off. And I will not allow that to happen. I helped his political career when he was starting out.”
Guiliani’s PR spokesman fired back at these claims.
“The comb over was a statement in the 90’s,” the PR spokesman said. “But this is 2008 and his head has no place for the comb over anymore.”
And if words were not enough – Guiliani cut ties with his former comb over completely.
“We had a good run,” the former comb over said. “Even though I’m not a part of Guiliani anymore – you can’t hide us. John McCain still has one and that’s the Independent side of him.”
McCain’s comb over declined comment.
*This story is intended for satirical purposes only.
Written by Daniel Harris Baer
St. Paul, MN – Former Mayor of New York City Rudolph Giuliani gave a strong speech Wednesday night in front of 45,000 cheering Republicans. However, his speech was partially interrupted for five minutes during jeers of mockery from the former Mayor’s comb over.
“When I was covering the right part of the head – he seemed more normal. I was the rational part of his head,” Guiliani’s comb over said. “Now that he just brushes me all the way to the back – his political views have changed and he’s become a war monger.”
Guiliani’s comb over added that it’s decided to file suit against the former Mayor's right side of his head seeking some sort of two-party politics between Guiliani.
“When we were in office, I was more of the Democrat and he was more of the conservative,” the comb over claimed. “But now he’s not compromising and is just trying to brush me off. And I will not allow that to happen. I helped his political career when he was starting out.”
Guiliani’s PR spokesman fired back at these claims.
“The comb over was a statement in the 90’s,” the PR spokesman said. “But this is 2008 and his head has no place for the comb over anymore.”
And if words were not enough – Guiliani cut ties with his former comb over completely.
“We had a good run,” the former comb over said. “Even though I’m not a part of Guiliani anymore – you can’t hide us. John McCain still has one and that’s the Independent side of him.”
McCain’s comb over declined comment.
*This story is intended for satirical purposes only.
AFRICAN AMERICAN ARRESTED FOR BEING AFRICAN AMERICAN
AFRICAN AMERICAN ARRESTED FOR BEING AFRICAN AMERICAN
Written By Daniel Harris Baer
St. Paul, MN – An African American male, Duke Ellington III, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with being black inside the Xcel Energy Center during the Republican National Convention. Ellington, a John McCain supporter, is an elected delegate hailing from Florida.
“I came to support my nominee,” he said. “But before I could get to the Florida area of the arena – seventeen cops and Texans tackled me, tasered me and put me in handcuffs.”
Ellington, a High School Principal and father of three, is being held on a ten million dollar bail.
Quickly after being tackled, the three major news networks, MSNBC, CNN and Fox News obtained amateur footage of the incident.
The footage obtained shows Ellington walking down the aisle in the lower bowl of the arena posing no threat before he brutally gets accosted by members of the Republican Party security.
Said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, “The black guy posed a huge threat to the events of the night. Judging from what I saw – he looked like he was getting ready to go on a pick-pocketing spree of the hard-working and honest people of the party.”
Ellington’s lawyer, Lionel Smith, is countering O’Reilly’s claims with proof that his client is a registered Republican delegate and had every right to be there to support his candidate.
O’Reilly responded, “I know black folks real well because I drive by the projects every day on my way to work. And that guy was not an elected Republican delegate. Jesus, we don’t allow black people to even be elected delegates. Wait – this better be off the record.”
Both MSNBC and CNN condemned the acts as racially motivated violence.
Unable to afford to post bail, Ellington remains behind bars in the St. Paul region as a high-risk terrorist threat.
“I just wanted to show the nation that an African-American can support a Republican,” Ellington said. “I didn’t realize that I’d be arrested for just being black.”
When notified about the incident, Governor of Alaska and Vice-Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin replied, “Racism is not a man-made problem. It’s a punishment from God and for those who do not follow the beliefs of creationism.”
Presidential Nominee John McCain refused to comment, but his campaign released the following statement: “The Maverick John McCain is an American Hero who was tortured in a prison camp for five years. That’s some straight talk for you!”
*This story is for entertainment only. The names are used for satirical purposes only.
Written By Daniel Harris Baer
St. Paul, MN – An African American male, Duke Ellington III, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with being black inside the Xcel Energy Center during the Republican National Convention. Ellington, a John McCain supporter, is an elected delegate hailing from Florida.
“I came to support my nominee,” he said. “But before I could get to the Florida area of the arena – seventeen cops and Texans tackled me, tasered me and put me in handcuffs.”
Ellington, a High School Principal and father of three, is being held on a ten million dollar bail.
Quickly after being tackled, the three major news networks, MSNBC, CNN and Fox News obtained amateur footage of the incident.
The footage obtained shows Ellington walking down the aisle in the lower bowl of the arena posing no threat before he brutally gets accosted by members of the Republican Party security.
Said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, “The black guy posed a huge threat to the events of the night. Judging from what I saw – he looked like he was getting ready to go on a pick-pocketing spree of the hard-working and honest people of the party.”
Ellington’s lawyer, Lionel Smith, is countering O’Reilly’s claims with proof that his client is a registered Republican delegate and had every right to be there to support his candidate.
O’Reilly responded, “I know black folks real well because I drive by the projects every day on my way to work. And that guy was not an elected Republican delegate. Jesus, we don’t allow black people to even be elected delegates. Wait – this better be off the record.”
Both MSNBC and CNN condemned the acts as racially motivated violence.
Unable to afford to post bail, Ellington remains behind bars in the St. Paul region as a high-risk terrorist threat.
“I just wanted to show the nation that an African-American can support a Republican,” Ellington said. “I didn’t realize that I’d be arrested for just being black.”
When notified about the incident, Governor of Alaska and Vice-Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin replied, “Racism is not a man-made problem. It’s a punishment from God and for those who do not follow the beliefs of creationism.”
Presidential Nominee John McCain refused to comment, but his campaign released the following statement: “The Maverick John McCain is an American Hero who was tortured in a prison camp for five years. That’s some straight talk for you!”
*This story is for entertainment only. The names are used for satirical purposes only.
November 5, 2012 (EVE OF ELECTION
Exaggerated by Daniel Harris Baer
This is a summary in our future if John McCain is elected President of the United States.
November 5, 2012
It’s the night before the Presidential election, and John McCain is not in the race. He was a one-term President and Sarah Palin is the Republican Nominee.
This is the status of the United States:
- On November 4, 2009, President John McCain’s conservative Supreme Court overturned Roe V. Wade and abortion became forbidden by law. With Vice President Palin perseverance – not even rape or incest provides just cause for abortion.
- The return of the Cold War: The United States invaded Russia on April 16, 2009. After three years of fighting – President McCain promises that the surge is beginning to work.
- Osama Bin Laden is still at large. McCain kept soldiers returning to Iraq for sixth and seventh tour of duties. Meanwhile, and ignoring a Democratic Majority in the House – McCain vetoes any attempt to focus the attention on Pakistan and Afghanistan.
- With three wars going on in Iraq, Iran and Russia, alongside the constant problems in Pakistan and Afghanistan – McCain reenlisted the use of a draft due to a depleted army.
- Soldiers who died defending the United States – 21,504 and counting…
- Average winter temperature in New York City – 59 degrees.
- Seven major hurricanes made impact on US land in 2011.
- Vice President Sarah Palin still deems hurricanes as an act from God.
- Religion (Christian) taught in public schools.
- Economy: In 2009, we entered a recession. By 2011, the United States market had crashed and we entered a time comparable to 1929 and the beginning of the Great Depression. McCain kept giving massive tax cuts to the rich and the poor became bankrupt. The housing market crashed, gas peaked at $8.29 a gallon and the average income is down $6,000 from the previous Presidency under George W. Bush.
- India and China are now the economic powers of the world because of outsourcing.
- North Korea began making serious nuclear threats in 2010. McCain thinks an attack is in the future.
- Israel is no longer one of the United States biggest allies. Vice President Sarah Palin continues to scold Israel’s conflict with Palestine as a punishment from God.
- Federal deficit: 790 billion in 2012 – up from 490 billion in 2008.
- They "Drilled Now," and our natural resources in Alaska and the Florida Everglades are becoming scarce and we're still dependent on foreign oil.
- Polar Bears are extinct.
- Same-sex marriages, as well as Unions: Banned in 2009.
- Former President George W. Bush now known as the second worst President of all time.
This is a summary in our future if John McCain is elected President of the United States.
November 5, 2012
It’s the night before the Presidential election, and John McCain is not in the race. He was a one-term President and Sarah Palin is the Republican Nominee.
This is the status of the United States:
- On November 4, 2009, President John McCain’s conservative Supreme Court overturned Roe V. Wade and abortion became forbidden by law. With Vice President Palin perseverance – not even rape or incest provides just cause for abortion.
- The return of the Cold War: The United States invaded Russia on April 16, 2009. After three years of fighting – President McCain promises that the surge is beginning to work.
- Osama Bin Laden is still at large. McCain kept soldiers returning to Iraq for sixth and seventh tour of duties. Meanwhile, and ignoring a Democratic Majority in the House – McCain vetoes any attempt to focus the attention on Pakistan and Afghanistan.
- With three wars going on in Iraq, Iran and Russia, alongside the constant problems in Pakistan and Afghanistan – McCain reenlisted the use of a draft due to a depleted army.
- Soldiers who died defending the United States – 21,504 and counting…
- Average winter temperature in New York City – 59 degrees.
- Seven major hurricanes made impact on US land in 2011.
- Vice President Sarah Palin still deems hurricanes as an act from God.
- Religion (Christian) taught in public schools.
- Economy: In 2009, we entered a recession. By 2011, the United States market had crashed and we entered a time comparable to 1929 and the beginning of the Great Depression. McCain kept giving massive tax cuts to the rich and the poor became bankrupt. The housing market crashed, gas peaked at $8.29 a gallon and the average income is down $6,000 from the previous Presidency under George W. Bush.
- India and China are now the economic powers of the world because of outsourcing.
- North Korea began making serious nuclear threats in 2010. McCain thinks an attack is in the future.
- Israel is no longer one of the United States biggest allies. Vice President Sarah Palin continues to scold Israel’s conflict with Palestine as a punishment from God.
- Federal deficit: 790 billion in 2012 – up from 490 billion in 2008.
- They "Drilled Now," and our natural resources in Alaska and the Florida Everglades are becoming scarce and we're still dependent on foreign oil.
- Polar Bears are extinct.
- Same-sex marriages, as well as Unions: Banned in 2009.
- Former President George W. Bush now known as the second worst President of all time.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Dog Days teaser trailer
Here is the teaser trailer of Dog Days, a DOGumentary I'm working on. More to come soon. Enjoy.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Starbucks EQUALS STARFUCKS
The funny thing about the title of this blog is I'm sitting in a Starbucks right now writing this.
I'm a walking contradiction.
Part of the advantage of living in New York City is the overkill of coffee shops. However, in the overly pretentious area of New York City I live in we called the Upper East Side, ala, old money, Starbucks rules supreme.
Hence, why I'm writing in a Starbucks. I need somewhere to write. I can't sit in my apartment and get any sort of dialogue on paper, err, laptop. I live in a room with Craigslist furniture, a used bed, no dresser but I do have a Plasma television (which I'm still paying off...)
I will watch intelligence killer shows like "I love New York" or "Flav of Love" over and over. I am slowing retarding.
I should probably consider prostituting myself on Craigslist to pay off that fucking television. Or I will strip for women for $17 an hour (plus you'll receive a signed copy of my latest script...Which will probably decrease my hourly value.)
So I sit in this fake cafe' with men in suits conversing by phone with someone else about business or leisure. And I watch mothers forcing their children to sit, miserably, while they drink coffee and chat on a phone with a friend.
What happened to the point of a coffee shop? A coffee shop is a great place to sit and talk with friends, employees, anyone. Now a days, a coffee shop serves no real purpose. The CEO of Starbucks should consider making it an outdoor, wait in line, type of coffee stop, not shop.
Maybe I'm just jaded on the whole Starbucks phenomenon. I don't even like the coffee here. It tastes like dirt and smells like a burning soiled diaper.
It's truly amazing how a small coffee shop is becoming a dying breed because of Starfucks. The Bucks' baristas usually have no personality. They'll never remember you. They just try to rush you out as fast as you come in. There is always a line. And, if I order a drink with brown sugar - I have to go and bring it to them.
I hate you Starbucks. I hate you so much. I hate everything about you.
I am going to list the three BEST coffee shops in New York City.
Pick Me Up Cafe (Between 9th-10th St. Avenue A - East Village)
B-Cup Cafe (13th St. Avenue B - East Village)
Java Girl (66th St, 1st Avenue - Upper East Side)
Try one of those places out. I promise you'll have a better experience and better coffee over Starbucks. And you won't have to stare at some old sexless woman getting off on reading a Danielle Steele novel.
I'm a walking contradiction.
Part of the advantage of living in New York City is the overkill of coffee shops. However, in the overly pretentious area of New York City I live in we called the Upper East Side, ala, old money, Starbucks rules supreme.
Hence, why I'm writing in a Starbucks. I need somewhere to write. I can't sit in my apartment and get any sort of dialogue on paper, err, laptop. I live in a room with Craigslist furniture, a used bed, no dresser but I do have a Plasma television (which I'm still paying off...)
I will watch intelligence killer shows like "I love New York" or "Flav of Love" over and over. I am slowing retarding.
I should probably consider prostituting myself on Craigslist to pay off that fucking television. Or I will strip for women for $17 an hour (plus you'll receive a signed copy of my latest script...Which will probably decrease my hourly value.)
So I sit in this fake cafe' with men in suits conversing by phone with someone else about business or leisure. And I watch mothers forcing their children to sit, miserably, while they drink coffee and chat on a phone with a friend.
What happened to the point of a coffee shop? A coffee shop is a great place to sit and talk with friends, employees, anyone. Now a days, a coffee shop serves no real purpose. The CEO of Starbucks should consider making it an outdoor, wait in line, type of coffee stop, not shop.
Maybe I'm just jaded on the whole Starbucks phenomenon. I don't even like the coffee here. It tastes like dirt and smells like a burning soiled diaper.
It's truly amazing how a small coffee shop is becoming a dying breed because of Starfucks. The Bucks' baristas usually have no personality. They'll never remember you. They just try to rush you out as fast as you come in. There is always a line. And, if I order a drink with brown sugar - I have to go and bring it to them.
I hate you Starbucks. I hate you so much. I hate everything about you.
I am going to list the three BEST coffee shops in New York City.
Pick Me Up Cafe (Between 9th-10th St. Avenue A - East Village)
B-Cup Cafe (13th St. Avenue B - East Village)
Java Girl (66th St, 1st Avenue - Upper East Side)
Try one of those places out. I promise you'll have a better experience and better coffee over Starbucks. And you won't have to stare at some old sexless woman getting off on reading a Danielle Steele novel.
Best song to listen to while doing something illegal
BEST SONG AND VIDEO EVER TO LISTEN TO WHILE DOING ILLEGAL.
Negativity equals Bliss
Why do so many people always bash someone for being negative? Have you ever wondered why being negative is so negative?
I think being negative is the new being positive.
Why in a world of so much shit - can we not just say that things aren't going well? People break up. Friends become enemies and, especially living in NYC, we go broke.
So after all of that - are we supposed to say something out of a "Leave it to Beaver" episode like - Sure Beav - everything will be just swell.
Not a chance.
I'll tell it like it is. I'll say - Fucking A' - shit is just so shitty. I'm a mother-fucking realist. I'm not negative. I just keep it real.
This world would be such a better place is people like your parents, your spouses, your teachers and most importantly, the PRESIDENT, just kept it real. I'd believe in Bush if he announced on national TV that the United States is in a shitty place right now and he'll try and make it better. I'd like for him to tell me that what's going on in Iraq was a mistake - he fucked up - but he'll try to clean up his mess. I'd like for him to tell me that the stock market being so unstable is a problem that revolves around a recession around the corner and he's not sure if they market will become stable. I'd like for him to tell me that the genocide going on in Sudan with Darfur is so unbearably bad - the UN isn't going to end up doing shit and these murderers will never get caught.
Harsh, yes. But at least I'll know the motherfucker is keeping it real.
I'm so sick of lies. I used to love to lie. I'd like about my dick size (I used to tell people it was fourteen inches long and that my Jewish roots are Ethiopian.) I'd lie about how talented I am (which you can clearly judge by my writing that I'm not.) And I'd lie about how poor I am (Any Gold-Diggin' hotties out there who like wannabe writers with black framed glasses - I'm rich bitch.)
But I saw how boring and pathetic it is to lie. I found out how boring it is to try and rationalize everything in this world by pretending to be happy twenty-four hours a day. I just decided that I would say things the way this average “Joe” sees them.
No need to impress here. What you see today is what you’ll see in two weeks.
It's okay to think things just aren't great. But, fucking say it. If I ask you how you're doing - tell me shitty. I just wish the world could take some of that advice - because we wouldn't be such a fucking paranoid place if the truth were just told - instead of everyone acting like his or her own spin-doctor.
By the way - if you ever have a chance - check out "Debbie Downer" from Saturday Night Live. Maybe the best skit ever - and most realistic.
Here is a skit from Debbie Downer. Enjoy.
Keep it real. Don't spin the truth. Fuck the optimism. We're all going down in this shit together, anyway.
I think being negative is the new being positive.
Why in a world of so much shit - can we not just say that things aren't going well? People break up. Friends become enemies and, especially living in NYC, we go broke.
So after all of that - are we supposed to say something out of a "Leave it to Beaver" episode like - Sure Beav - everything will be just swell.
Not a chance.
I'll tell it like it is. I'll say - Fucking A' - shit is just so shitty. I'm a mother-fucking realist. I'm not negative. I just keep it real.
This world would be such a better place is people like your parents, your spouses, your teachers and most importantly, the PRESIDENT, just kept it real. I'd believe in Bush if he announced on national TV that the United States is in a shitty place right now and he'll try and make it better. I'd like for him to tell me that what's going on in Iraq was a mistake - he fucked up - but he'll try to clean up his mess. I'd like for him to tell me that the stock market being so unstable is a problem that revolves around a recession around the corner and he's not sure if they market will become stable. I'd like for him to tell me that the genocide going on in Sudan with Darfur is so unbearably bad - the UN isn't going to end up doing shit and these murderers will never get caught.
Harsh, yes. But at least I'll know the motherfucker is keeping it real.
I'm so sick of lies. I used to love to lie. I'd like about my dick size (I used to tell people it was fourteen inches long and that my Jewish roots are Ethiopian.) I'd lie about how talented I am (which you can clearly judge by my writing that I'm not.) And I'd lie about how poor I am (Any Gold-Diggin' hotties out there who like wannabe writers with black framed glasses - I'm rich bitch.)
But I saw how boring and pathetic it is to lie. I found out how boring it is to try and rationalize everything in this world by pretending to be happy twenty-four hours a day. I just decided that I would say things the way this average “Joe” sees them.
No need to impress here. What you see today is what you’ll see in two weeks.
It's okay to think things just aren't great. But, fucking say it. If I ask you how you're doing - tell me shitty. I just wish the world could take some of that advice - because we wouldn't be such a fucking paranoid place if the truth were just told - instead of everyone acting like his or her own spin-doctor.
By the way - if you ever have a chance - check out "Debbie Downer" from Saturday Night Live. Maybe the best skit ever - and most realistic.
Here is a skit from Debbie Downer. Enjoy.
Keep it real. Don't spin the truth. Fuck the optimism. We're all going down in this shit together, anyway.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
10 reasons to love DIABLO CODY
For those of you who don't know who Diablo Cody is - well, you're a fuckwad. She's deadly with her wit - even better with her writing. She's the storyteller behind "JUNO," which came out yesterday in NYC and L.A. She also penned "Candy Girl - A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper."
I'm going to state reasons 10 reasons why DIABLO CODY is the shit.
1.) She's a writer. I'm a writer. We're both probably eccentric. And that name. It's just hot. My name is Daniel Harris Baer - so lame - Fuckin' Jewish parents.
2.) She has a tattoo. Chicks with tattoos are hot. I wanted to get one - but I'm Jewish. Poor me.
3.) She has beautiful eyes.
4.) She started off as a blogger - and now she's blowing up. That is a huge middle finger to the FOOTBALL JOCK who made fun of people using the Internet in High School. How's flipping burgers you steroid fuck?
5.) She's a good type of feminism. Not the man hating, rip your dick off kind.
6.) She isn't pretentious.
7.) She was a stripper. But not the fake-looking type. And it was something she didn't just aspire to do. It was like my aspirations to work in a Porn shop.
8.) She has the face of a 1940's type Starlet.
9.) She uses words like porksword. I use words like cumdumpster. Either way, both articulate forms of the two.
10.) Writer's are the freakiest types of people. We ain't no suits in the sack. Once you go writer - you ain't never going back.
Here is a clip of how to be witty.
COMING SOON - TOP 10 MANNEQUINS YOU'D LIKE TO FUCK...
I'm going to state reasons 10 reasons why DIABLO CODY is the shit.
1.) She's a writer. I'm a writer. We're both probably eccentric. And that name. It's just hot. My name is Daniel Harris Baer - so lame - Fuckin' Jewish parents.
2.) She has a tattoo. Chicks with tattoos are hot. I wanted to get one - but I'm Jewish. Poor me.
3.) She has beautiful eyes.
4.) She started off as a blogger - and now she's blowing up. That is a huge middle finger to the FOOTBALL JOCK who made fun of people using the Internet in High School. How's flipping burgers you steroid fuck?
5.) She's a good type of feminism. Not the man hating, rip your dick off kind.
6.) She isn't pretentious.
7.) She was a stripper. But not the fake-looking type. And it was something she didn't just aspire to do. It was like my aspirations to work in a Porn shop.
8.) She has the face of a 1940's type Starlet.
9.) She uses words like porksword. I use words like cumdumpster. Either way, both articulate forms of the two.
10.) Writer's are the freakiest types of people. We ain't no suits in the sack. Once you go writer - you ain't never going back.
Here is a clip of how to be witty.
COMING SOON - TOP 10 MANNEQUINS YOU'D LIKE TO FUCK...
People associate cold weather and dating
How come when it's cold outside, and I don't mean cold, I mean like I haven't felt my nuts in two weeks and my urine has frozen into ice pellets kind of cold, do people think they need to be in a relationship? It's just ridiculous. I walk around this city we call the "Big Apple" and I see all of these idiots holding hands and warming up to one another.
Crazy, huh? Who'd want to do that?
It's so much better walking by yourself - and looking at your moronic friends pondering how in Jewish Jesus Christ's name they can get laid. In fact, I almost enjoy going to bars just to see people strike out. This city has so many fuckwads walking around. I swear, New York City can be a great place for a self-esteem boost. I've seen guys begging for a kiss, pleading for a lay and boasting about a sick job they have in order to get a number.
I should teach these guys that most girls dig the loser (insert me...) My pickup line is as simple as, "Hi, I'm Daniel and I'm a failed journalist and a soon-to-be failed screenplay writer." Or - I usually tell the girl that she's way better looking than me. That almost worked one time.
And since on the topic of winter dating - I am going to state a few dating Web sites in order of patheticness.
J-Date
E-Harmony
Matchmaker
myspace
Jewish singles
The only cool dating Web site is Craigslist. You can get a hooker and date her. How great is that? And after you catch a disease - you can consult on the Craigslist forum on diseases. And after that - you can find a doctor on the same site. And after that - you can buy furniture.
Craigslist is great.
Speaking of the whole love thing - why would you want to date anyone if you have a computer? Honestly.
With pornography out there - you don't need a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Internet porn is free and caters to your specific type of girl/boy.
I don't really know what else to say on this subject except I hate couples and hope you pass on diseases to one another.
My next blog will be on...TOP TEN MANNEQUINS YOU'D WANT TO FUCK IN NYC.
Crazy, huh? Who'd want to do that?
It's so much better walking by yourself - and looking at your moronic friends pondering how in Jewish Jesus Christ's name they can get laid. In fact, I almost enjoy going to bars just to see people strike out. This city has so many fuckwads walking around. I swear, New York City can be a great place for a self-esteem boost. I've seen guys begging for a kiss, pleading for a lay and boasting about a sick job they have in order to get a number.
I should teach these guys that most girls dig the loser (insert me...) My pickup line is as simple as, "Hi, I'm Daniel and I'm a failed journalist and a soon-to-be failed screenplay writer." Or - I usually tell the girl that she's way better looking than me. That almost worked one time.
And since on the topic of winter dating - I am going to state a few dating Web sites in order of patheticness.
J-Date
E-Harmony
Matchmaker
myspace
Jewish singles
The only cool dating Web site is Craigslist. You can get a hooker and date her. How great is that? And after you catch a disease - you can consult on the Craigslist forum on diseases. And after that - you can find a doctor on the same site. And after that - you can buy furniture.
Craigslist is great.
Speaking of the whole love thing - why would you want to date anyone if you have a computer? Honestly.
With pornography out there - you don't need a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Internet porn is free and caters to your specific type of girl/boy.
I don't really know what else to say on this subject except I hate couples and hope you pass on diseases to one another.
My next blog will be on...TOP TEN MANNEQUINS YOU'D WANT TO FUCK IN NYC.
OLD - AFTER WHORE OF A GIRLFRIEND CHEATED ON ME
Why hide behind a smile - When it feels so good to frown.
Walking around aimlessly trying to find an actual truth in this horror story of a world we have written together - one must wonder what has happened to the theme or ideology of the word truth. It all stems down from too much television, too much radio or too much advancement in technology. What everything in this world used to stand for has disappeared - without a trace - like a tarnished flower which didn't get enough sunlight or rain - withering away like a tumbleweed blowing through a deserted town. People aren't who they used to be - cell phones have become a way of communication and just the idea of meeting face-to-face has become an afterthought.
They say that music is the soundtrack to our lives - but why and how could it possibly be reflected upon the everyday situation. There is no median - no middle ground - no truth. Music is beautiful - but it is either representative to an extreme - happy or sadness. And that is the problem with the world today - there is no median in behavior - people are sad or happy - not okay or just alright. And the unfortunate truth is it's because of people, or more so, the propaganda the world has spun. In today's society - the response to "How are you doing?" by replying okay - means you're suicidal or thoroughly depressed. Fuck you - I'm just okay, today.
Chivalry is a past norm - outdated and returned in the 1950's like a bad present. Sure - enough people will open a door or pay for a bill - but that isn't an act of chivalry - it's an act of being masculine. And what happened to just the everyday thought of saying hello or excuse me when someone is walking in the same direct path as you? It's like we live in Iraq and the person who is crossing paths with you is about to blow you up - or throw a holy crusade of religion or bigotry your way. Their is no such thing as religious or sexual preference - it doesn't seperate shit. We live and breathe the same fucking air.
Look - we live in a cynical fucking world. The only virtue life is the idea of honesty - but let's be honest - it's a disappearing fad. Relationships will start on a lie - develop on a pipe dream and the only time honesty will appear is when it ends. The word "monogamous" is about as prevalent in the vocabulary of a relationship as "forever." The words will go hand in hand with each other - used in the beginning as a lie about bullshit promises - and used in the end when someone cheats and gets divorced.
And women should stop using the cliched line of "It's not you...it's me." It's clearly the guy - and what it clearly means is that you don't fuck well enough - or give her that imaginary tingle - or some other shit that a girl constantly reads from the Nazi magazines called "Cosmo." The ladies who write these articles are feminists - but not just feminists - man-hating feminists. A room full of dykes who would like nothing more than to rip off your penis and wear it on their sleeves as an act of patriotism.
However, there is one person who will come into your life and change you. And most of the time - we will fuck that up - give it up - or do something to destroy that one chance to be happy. But life isn't about regretting what it could have been or should have happened - It is about the epiphany one will have when that person at least came into their life. Cherish it - enjoy it - and sleep soundly at night knowing that you've encountered it and blew it because that epiphany came two minutes, too late.
Walking around aimlessly trying to find an actual truth in this horror story of a world we have written together - one must wonder what has happened to the theme or ideology of the word truth. It all stems down from too much television, too much radio or too much advancement in technology. What everything in this world used to stand for has disappeared - without a trace - like a tarnished flower which didn't get enough sunlight or rain - withering away like a tumbleweed blowing through a deserted town. People aren't who they used to be - cell phones have become a way of communication and just the idea of meeting face-to-face has become an afterthought.
They say that music is the soundtrack to our lives - but why and how could it possibly be reflected upon the everyday situation. There is no median - no middle ground - no truth. Music is beautiful - but it is either representative to an extreme - happy or sadness. And that is the problem with the world today - there is no median in behavior - people are sad or happy - not okay or just alright. And the unfortunate truth is it's because of people, or more so, the propaganda the world has spun. In today's society - the response to "How are you doing?" by replying okay - means you're suicidal or thoroughly depressed. Fuck you - I'm just okay, today.
Chivalry is a past norm - outdated and returned in the 1950's like a bad present. Sure - enough people will open a door or pay for a bill - but that isn't an act of chivalry - it's an act of being masculine. And what happened to just the everyday thought of saying hello or excuse me when someone is walking in the same direct path as you? It's like we live in Iraq and the person who is crossing paths with you is about to blow you up - or throw a holy crusade of religion or bigotry your way. Their is no such thing as religious or sexual preference - it doesn't seperate shit. We live and breathe the same fucking air.
Look - we live in a cynical fucking world. The only virtue life is the idea of honesty - but let's be honest - it's a disappearing fad. Relationships will start on a lie - develop on a pipe dream and the only time honesty will appear is when it ends. The word "monogamous" is about as prevalent in the vocabulary of a relationship as "forever." The words will go hand in hand with each other - used in the beginning as a lie about bullshit promises - and used in the end when someone cheats and gets divorced.
And women should stop using the cliched line of "It's not you...it's me." It's clearly the guy - and what it clearly means is that you don't fuck well enough - or give her that imaginary tingle - or some other shit that a girl constantly reads from the Nazi magazines called "Cosmo." The ladies who write these articles are feminists - but not just feminists - man-hating feminists. A room full of dykes who would like nothing more than to rip off your penis and wear it on their sleeves as an act of patriotism.
However, there is one person who will come into your life and change you. And most of the time - we will fuck that up - give it up - or do something to destroy that one chance to be happy. But life isn't about regretting what it could have been or should have happened - It is about the epiphany one will have when that person at least came into their life. Cherish it - enjoy it - and sleep soundly at night knowing that you've encountered it and blew it because that epiphany came two minutes, too late.
Coffee equals loads of MASTURBATION
Coffee is the greatest invention in the world. Coffee has become the newest and easiest form of social interaction. Honestly, I don't know where my life would be without coffee.
There is a good chance I'd be homeless. Or unemployed. Or a criminal.
I think back pre-summer 2005 and cringe at the thought that I didn't drink coffee. In fact, I thought it would stunt my growth and stain my teeth. I was the anti-christ of coffee lovers. But everything changed in a matter of moments in Italy.
I was with four friends traveling Europe and pleaded with them to get me addicted to something. Drugs, Hookers or robbing poor people were my original preferences. However, they decided to pick coffee.
And at a small cafe, I got my first taste of the most wonderful drink in the world. It wasn't too strong, but it was strong enough to wake me up.
Wake me up out of this horrible nightmare. A world without coffee. A world not worth waking up in. A world without me writing his pathetic blog at 5:31 a.m.
What have I been missing throughout these miserable 24 first years of my life? It was incredible. The soft trickle of grinded coffee beans gliding down your throat like a happy child sliding down a slip n' slide. It was so easy. I fell in love.
I became asexual. I no longer needed women. I had coffee. My only goal was being the best coffee drinker alive in the world. So I trained. And trained hard. It started off with one cup a day. But that was child's play. I went to sleep early, woke up early and stretched. I had to do this so I could focus on the coffee. I had to sample every flavor. I had to sample every coffee drink. I had to live my life like I may only get one more chance to drink coffee. No more holding back.
I had to live in the moment. I had to buy coffee color sheets and a matching comforter. I had to shower with coffee beans (not grinded.) I had to paint my walls the color of a Latte. I filled my mattress with grinded coffee. I had to rinse my mouth with coffee. I had to quench my thirst after jogging with an ice coffee. I even legally changed my middle name to "Starbucks." It was the most incredible experience.
I even attempted to prove that I'm a biological relative of Kiva Han, who opened the world's first coffee shop. However, I was denied my claim by someone who was drinking green tea. Go figure.
But in order to fully understand why I loved coffee so much, I had to go on a pilgrimage to Africa. I tended sheep, just like the O.G.'s of coffee did. I went to Ethopia and walked the plains. I felt a sign. I felt what they must have felt. I dreamed of coffee hurricanes and coffee tornados.
I came home and heard that a long time ago - Coffee was believed by some Christians to be the devil's drink. I was appauled - but realized I'm Jewish - so I didn't really give a fuck.
I have dedicated the rest of my life to coffee. I go around to local elementary schools and speak to children about drinking coffee. We need to get the younger generation more involved. No more water - no more milk (unless used in coffee, and sparingly.) Also, coffee cures every disease. I've never had one - but I read it on "MasturbateToCoffee.com." It is also a proven fact that coffee will ELIMINATE global warming and rid the world of starvation.
So - take that sip of coffee and realize you're making your life better. You're probably even saving your own life. I've even finished my next script entitled "El Cafe." The script is a love story between a man and his coffee. It gets really interesting when his wife (bitch) threatens to leave him if he doesn't change to Tea. The climax of the movie occurs when the man murders his wife and has a doctor perform an operation to pump coffee through his veins instead of blood. He then becomes President of the United States and sends everyone who drinks Tea to Yemin to be castrated. It's a beautiful love story.
I hope this inspires you to drink coffee. The world moves at a fast pace - join me on the EXPRESSO train.
There is a good chance I'd be homeless. Or unemployed. Or a criminal.
I think back pre-summer 2005 and cringe at the thought that I didn't drink coffee. In fact, I thought it would stunt my growth and stain my teeth. I was the anti-christ of coffee lovers. But everything changed in a matter of moments in Italy.
I was with four friends traveling Europe and pleaded with them to get me addicted to something. Drugs, Hookers or robbing poor people were my original preferences. However, they decided to pick coffee.
And at a small cafe, I got my first taste of the most wonderful drink in the world. It wasn't too strong, but it was strong enough to wake me up.
Wake me up out of this horrible nightmare. A world without coffee. A world not worth waking up in. A world without me writing his pathetic blog at 5:31 a.m.
What have I been missing throughout these miserable 24 first years of my life? It was incredible. The soft trickle of grinded coffee beans gliding down your throat like a happy child sliding down a slip n' slide. It was so easy. I fell in love.
I became asexual. I no longer needed women. I had coffee. My only goal was being the best coffee drinker alive in the world. So I trained. And trained hard. It started off with one cup a day. But that was child's play. I went to sleep early, woke up early and stretched. I had to do this so I could focus on the coffee. I had to sample every flavor. I had to sample every coffee drink. I had to live my life like I may only get one more chance to drink coffee. No more holding back.
I had to live in the moment. I had to buy coffee color sheets and a matching comforter. I had to shower with coffee beans (not grinded.) I had to paint my walls the color of a Latte. I filled my mattress with grinded coffee. I had to rinse my mouth with coffee. I had to quench my thirst after jogging with an ice coffee. I even legally changed my middle name to "Starbucks." It was the most incredible experience.
I even attempted to prove that I'm a biological relative of Kiva Han, who opened the world's first coffee shop. However, I was denied my claim by someone who was drinking green tea. Go figure.
But in order to fully understand why I loved coffee so much, I had to go on a pilgrimage to Africa. I tended sheep, just like the O.G.'s of coffee did. I went to Ethopia and walked the plains. I felt a sign. I felt what they must have felt. I dreamed of coffee hurricanes and coffee tornados.
I came home and heard that a long time ago - Coffee was believed by some Christians to be the devil's drink. I was appauled - but realized I'm Jewish - so I didn't really give a fuck.
I have dedicated the rest of my life to coffee. I go around to local elementary schools and speak to children about drinking coffee. We need to get the younger generation more involved. No more water - no more milk (unless used in coffee, and sparingly.) Also, coffee cures every disease. I've never had one - but I read it on "MasturbateToCoffee.com." It is also a proven fact that coffee will ELIMINATE global warming and rid the world of starvation.
So - take that sip of coffee and realize you're making your life better. You're probably even saving your own life. I've even finished my next script entitled "El Cafe." The script is a love story between a man and his coffee. It gets really interesting when his wife (bitch) threatens to leave him if he doesn't change to Tea. The climax of the movie occurs when the man murders his wife and has a doctor perform an operation to pump coffee through his veins instead of blood. He then becomes President of the United States and sends everyone who drinks Tea to Yemin to be castrated. It's a beautiful love story.
I hope this inspires you to drink coffee. The world moves at a fast pace - join me on the EXPRESSO train.
Some Oldies PRE-New York SHITTY
Here is my Ode to Valentine's Day. Enjoy.
Dear Acquaintances (I hate almost all of my friends - hence the reference)
My goal in writing my latest mass blog to random people is to ruin Valentines Day. Or what it really means in db terminology - The Day of Catching Incurable Herpes. Valentines Day is upon us and the countdown for cupid to shoot an arrow is rapidly winding down. If you haven't found that star-crossed lover yet, Cupid has already forgotten about you and there is a good chance that you'll end dying alone for the rest of your natural life, living miserably with a bunch of smelly cats addicted to catnip - counting down the days until your death.
Don't worry - being happy is overrated. And sitting alone on Valentines Day is actually pretty fun. While everyone is on dates and experiencing having that glorious first kiss with the bright light of that full moon, you are sitting at home snorting chocolate like it's cocaine and looking in the mirror wondering why - if you're a man - you're growing man-boobs or if you're a woman - why your tits are sagging slightly. And there is nothing wrong with rationalizing in your head that Valentines Day is just another dumb Hallmark Card holiday - except for everything you're trying to rationalize. Let's be honest about Valentines Day - some hard facts about the holiday. Did you know that Valentines Day was started by Saddam Hussein? Yes, this is no lie. A man who has murdered thousands and thousands of people started the holiday. Personally, do you feel okay with celebrating a holiday started by Saddam?
I know I don't. And if you do celebrate V-Day, just know that you hate America. For me, the patriotic thing to do on Valentines Day is to go out, meet a girl/guy and have unprotected sex and try to get someone pregnant and never speak to them again. That is showing America that you didn't support Saddam. Here are a few other suggestions to support America on Valentines Day.
1.) Invite a girl/guy on a date and NEVER show up.
2.) Spread a STD knowingly to a partner without telling them.
3.) Rub Garlic on your genital region for 10 minutes.
4.) Bring he/she to Subway and go DUTCH.
5.) Make jokes to a guy that you could never be with a man with a small penis. And keep referring to Jewish males and the stereotype that their weiners are tiny. (JEWPAC EXCLUDED)
6.) Make racist jokes.
7.) If it's a first date - make sure to ask he/she how many people they've slept with. And if you're asking - after a number is said - cringe in disgust.
8.) Talk about how fun it is to blog on MYSPACE. (Only a real fucking loser would post a blog on MYSPACE.) - Whoops - te he he and LOL (insert horrific and annoying AOL lingo laugh.)
Those are surely great ways to ruin Valentines Day - err - support America.
But I digress.
So - you're reading this e-mail and wondering - DB sounds like he's not doing anything on V-Day - so he's just trying to bum us out. Incorrect. I went onto CraigsList and answered an AD from a girl with irritable bowel syndrome. We hit it off and I made plans to go to the finest Mexican restaurant in south Florida. In retrospect, taking a girl with irritable bowel syndrome to a Mexican restaurant was probably not a smart idea - but I can't imagine anything more amusing than a girl holding in poopy on Valentines Day. The fucking look on her face will be priceless. Am I evil? No. I love my country so I will ruin this girls life for America.
Call me Captain Fucking America.
If this date fails, I have a backup date who suffers from Chronic Halitosis. She has informed me that her hands are constantly sweaty. Now most people would be grossed out by that - by you have to look at this from a positive perspective - she'd probably give a great hand job.
After my date - I will go to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. That is the best place in the world to pick up a chick. I am debt free and 24 - to these women - I am Donald Fucking Trump. I splash on a little Old Spice and I'm money. No pun intended. Also, if you're a man/woman using this idea - the MOST important thing is to use a friends name when you're trying to pick up a man/woman at a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I usually use my friend Ross Baron's name. This way - if anything bad happens, your friends life will be ruined - not yours. And I welcome everyone to use Ross Baron's name.
In the end - Valentines Day sucks. And every Valentines Day card that you send out - remember this FACT - those cards are made in sweat shops. Even the fucking Snoopy one. I hope the card is worth it because it will cost a little innocent child an education and happy life.
Happy Valentines Day.
I'm DB, and I'm just trying to ruin one holiday at a time.
Next Holiday to ruin: A Friends Birthday.
Cheers,
DB
Dear Acquaintances (I hate almost all of my friends - hence the reference)
My goal in writing my latest mass blog to random people is to ruin Valentines Day. Or what it really means in db terminology - The Day of Catching Incurable Herpes. Valentines Day is upon us and the countdown for cupid to shoot an arrow is rapidly winding down. If you haven't found that star-crossed lover yet, Cupid has already forgotten about you and there is a good chance that you'll end dying alone for the rest of your natural life, living miserably with a bunch of smelly cats addicted to catnip - counting down the days until your death.
Don't worry - being happy is overrated. And sitting alone on Valentines Day is actually pretty fun. While everyone is on dates and experiencing having that glorious first kiss with the bright light of that full moon, you are sitting at home snorting chocolate like it's cocaine and looking in the mirror wondering why - if you're a man - you're growing man-boobs or if you're a woman - why your tits are sagging slightly. And there is nothing wrong with rationalizing in your head that Valentines Day is just another dumb Hallmark Card holiday - except for everything you're trying to rationalize. Let's be honest about Valentines Day - some hard facts about the holiday. Did you know that Valentines Day was started by Saddam Hussein? Yes, this is no lie. A man who has murdered thousands and thousands of people started the holiday. Personally, do you feel okay with celebrating a holiday started by Saddam?
I know I don't. And if you do celebrate V-Day, just know that you hate America. For me, the patriotic thing to do on Valentines Day is to go out, meet a girl/guy and have unprotected sex and try to get someone pregnant and never speak to them again. That is showing America that you didn't support Saddam. Here are a few other suggestions to support America on Valentines Day.
1.) Invite a girl/guy on a date and NEVER show up.
2.) Spread a STD knowingly to a partner without telling them.
3.) Rub Garlic on your genital region for 10 minutes.
4.) Bring he/she to Subway and go DUTCH.
5.) Make jokes to a guy that you could never be with a man with a small penis. And keep referring to Jewish males and the stereotype that their weiners are tiny. (JEWPAC EXCLUDED)
6.) Make racist jokes.
7.) If it's a first date - make sure to ask he/she how many people they've slept with. And if you're asking - after a number is said - cringe in disgust.
8.) Talk about how fun it is to blog on MYSPACE. (Only a real fucking loser would post a blog on MYSPACE.) - Whoops - te he he and LOL (insert horrific and annoying AOL lingo laugh.)
Those are surely great ways to ruin Valentines Day - err - support America.
But I digress.
So - you're reading this e-mail and wondering - DB sounds like he's not doing anything on V-Day - so he's just trying to bum us out. Incorrect. I went onto CraigsList and answered an AD from a girl with irritable bowel syndrome. We hit it off and I made plans to go to the finest Mexican restaurant in south Florida. In retrospect, taking a girl with irritable bowel syndrome to a Mexican restaurant was probably not a smart idea - but I can't imagine anything more amusing than a girl holding in poopy on Valentines Day. The fucking look on her face will be priceless. Am I evil? No. I love my country so I will ruin this girls life for America.
Call me Captain Fucking America.
If this date fails, I have a backup date who suffers from Chronic Halitosis. She has informed me that her hands are constantly sweaty. Now most people would be grossed out by that - by you have to look at this from a positive perspective - she'd probably give a great hand job.
After my date - I will go to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. That is the best place in the world to pick up a chick. I am debt free and 24 - to these women - I am Donald Fucking Trump. I splash on a little Old Spice and I'm money. No pun intended. Also, if you're a man/woman using this idea - the MOST important thing is to use a friends name when you're trying to pick up a man/woman at a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I usually use my friend Ross Baron's name. This way - if anything bad happens, your friends life will be ruined - not yours. And I welcome everyone to use Ross Baron's name.
In the end - Valentines Day sucks. And every Valentines Day card that you send out - remember this FACT - those cards are made in sweat shops. Even the fucking Snoopy one. I hope the card is worth it because it will cost a little innocent child an education and happy life.
Happy Valentines Day.
I'm DB, and I'm just trying to ruin one holiday at a time.
Next Holiday to ruin: A Friends Birthday.
Cheers,
DB
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